I just celebrated another birthday; my 38th to be
exact. Thinking back ten years, I’m not
sure that I saw my life the way that it is now.
I never thought I’d be 38 and unmarried.
SINGLE. I say it as if it’s a
dirty word. There are days that I bask
in my singleness. Then, there are days
that I loathe my singleness. SINGLE. I’m 38, 40 minus 2 (as one of my friends so
eloquently put it on my birthday), and I’m single. I’m unmarried. I’m not engaged. I’m single, and I feel some type of way about
it!
The Bitter
I consider myself to be a fairly successful woman. I have multiple degrees. I have a stable career. I own a home.
I own a decent car. I have
excellent credit. I’m fairly attractive
(so I hear), and I’m friendly (more days than not). Above all that, I love God! So, why, oh why, am I still single?! If I knew, I’d tell you…only after I told
myself first though. I’ve never been
married. I’ve never had kids. Did I mention that I was 40 minus 2? If I’m honest, I use the word “fairly” in
relation to my success because I’m not married, and I don’t have children. Women are meant to be wives and mothers, and
in the words of Sojourner Truth, “ain’t I a woman?”
It’s rare for me to admit that, but I believe in
transparency. Someone, other than me,
will be blessed by my transparency related to the bitterness I feel being
single. I get it; being single ain’t
leprosy. It’s not the end of the
world. However, I want to be delivered
from it. I feel like I’ve served enough
time in this single game. There’s a
definite difference between being alone and being lonely, but I’m woman enough
to admit in my season of singleness, I’ve seen both.
Being alone gives your mind too much time to process and
overthink the season. It gives you time
to analyze why you’re single. If you’re
not careful, the enemy will creep in and fill your head with all sorts of
negative thoughts about you and about men.
Being alone makes you sorrowful. Then,
there’s being lonely. Being lonely makes
you pursue and actively participate in relationships that aren’t God ordained
(though the flesh tells you they’re fun at the time). It makes you do things that aren’t befitting
of a Christian woman. It makes you
jealous of your family, friends, loved ones and even strangers. Being lonely makes you, well, bitter. It can even make you feel like a failure.
Rationally, I know that I’m not a failure. I know that there are women reading this
right now thinking, “Hmmph, I thought she had it together.” I do, about most things; however, not so much
about being single. I grew up with my
mother and father in my home. In fact,
my parents have been married over 40 years.
My parents married shortly after my mother’s college graduation; my
father graduated the year before. Most
of their friends have been married about the same amount of time. Growing up, most of my friends’ parents were
married. So, as a little girl (and for
that matter, a young woman) I thought that’s what you do: you grow up, graduate from college, get a
good job, marry a nice man, raise a nice Christian family & live happily
ever after, the end. I’m setting the
stage for you to taste my bitter. My
role model of a woman (my Mama) got married at 22 years old; she had her first child
at 26 years old. I’m 38; yes, I’m 40
minus 2. I’ve never been married; I’ve
never had children. Again, I get that
there are worse things to be than single, but right now, this is my thorn. This is my burden.
It might be different if I didn’t know what it was like to
be in love. I hear you saying, “It’s
better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Most days I’ll go with you on that, but on my
bitter days, I call hogwash. I hit you
with, “you can’t miss what you never had.”
I’ve had my share of non-God ordained relationships. I’ve allowed men to use me for my time, my
body and my finances and leave me with nothing but wasted time, a puddle of tears,
a broken heart and bills. I say
“allowed” because you have to own your mess.
Your mess stinks, it makes you feel stupid, and leaves you overall
empty, but you still have to own it.
Owning your mess can make you bitter.
After reading this, I know you’re thinking, exactly when and how does
this get sweet?
The Sweet
Being single with no kids has allowed me the time to
accomplish and do things that I may have felt guilty doing if I were a wife and
mother. I purchased my home at 22 years
old, just 10 months after graduating college.
It’s not a mansion, but it’s mine.
I’ve been able to work for a company almost 14 years. I’ve worked hard and proven myself, and I’ve
been favored enough to be promoted not once, but twice. At 31 years old, I made the decision to go
back to school and pursue my MBA. I
worked full time (40+ hours per week), and went to school 2 nights per
week. I earned my MBA in 18 months, in a
program that people told me would take at least 2 years. I’ve been able to advise young sorority
sisters, which was a full time job in itself.
I’ve traveled with family and friends.
My time certainly hasn’t been wasted.
I think to myself, had I gotten married at the age that my
mother did (the same age I moved out on my own and bought a home), would I be
as financially savvy as I am now? If I was
a wife and a mother, I wouldn’t have time to be as career-driven as I was. I’d have to get home to make a pot roast or
meatloaf and check my children’s homework and talk to my husband about his
day. I know for a fact that if I were
married I would have never gone back to school.
I wouldn’t have wanted to miss that much time with my husband and my
children. There were a lot of nights I
didn’t sleep at all or slept 3 or 4 hours, and went to work on a wing and a
prayer. I would have shied away from
being a Graduate Advisor if I was married, and I would have missed the
opportunity to be impacted by young women that I was actually charged to
impact. I may not have sailed to Hawaii
with my mother and my sister. I may not
have spent time sipping drinks on the beach with friends or enjoying girlfriend
road trips where we listen to old school hip-hop & R& B that reminds us
of days gone by. I may not have spent
countless hours at FedEx Forum or on the sofa with my Daddy cheering on the Grizzlies or just watching basketball period.
I’d have a husband, and that time would be for him. I’d have children, and that time would be for
them.
The sweet part of this season is I wouldn’t trade marriage
for any of that. Those are sweet moments
in time that you couldn’t give me all the money in the world to miss. They are moments that I treasure more than
anything. I’m old enough to realize that
my parents won’t live forever. One game
is going to be the last game. One trip
is going to be the last vacation. I’m
smart enough to know that my sister and my friends that aren’t married want to
be married too. This means when we do
get married, our times together will be limited because we’re going to give our
best to our husbands. I’ve had time to
get to know me. I’ll be prepared to
introduce the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me to my future husband. Even in my imperfection, I’ll be able to love
him perfectly. I won’t have any regrets
of what I missed or didn’t get to do because I got married young. That helps to keep this season sweet and
makes the waiting easier.
The Glory in Waiting
The bitter and the sweet of my season of singleness have
allowed me the opportunity to get closer to God. In my bitter days, He’s been a comforter and
a companion. He’s kept the enemy at bay
and hasn’t allowed anything more than my feelings to get hurt. In my sweet days, He’s my joy and my
peace. He’s given me the opportunity to
serve Him and to witness to people about Him.
Why am I still single?
I’m meant to be such a blessing to my future husband that God
wanted some extra time with me. He wanted
to make sure that I was a suitable helpmate for my future husband. He knows that I still need a little more work
to be what my future husband needs. He’s
getting me ready. He’s preparing me, and
at the same time, He’s preparing him.
God knows the bitter days that I’ve seen, and He wants my latter to be
greater than my past. He wants to bless
me beyond the boundaries of my dreams.
So, He has allowed my future husband and me to experience things and
situations in life that were painful when we experienced them, but will, in
turn, make us grateful for each other.
God trusts my future husband and me to be witnesses of the benefits of
waiting on His plan. He has plans to
prosper us, and not harm us. So, in the
meantime, I wait in faith, while remembering that faith without works is
dead. I’m praying for my future husband,
and I’m praying for me as his future wife.
God is pruning me and taking away those things that aren’t suitable for me
to be a blessing to my future husband.
Likewise, I pray that He does the same in my future husband. I’m learning to let go of the bitter and
embrace the sweet. I’m trusting that the
tears I’ve sown will reap a mighty harvest of joy. If you related at all to anything I said, might
I suggest you do the same thing.
Habakkuk 2:2 says to “Write the vision and make it plain upon tables,
that he may run that readeth it.” And
that my sisters, is just what I’m doing.
My Prayer
Lord I pray that you'll give me beauty for my ashes. I pray that what I've sown in tears shall be
reaped in joy in my due season. I pray
that every disappointment, every rejection, every heartbreak be forgotten
because of the memories that my future husband & I will share with
each other. I pray that neither of us be
marred by past relationships or by unpleasant memories that we might have with
each other. Help me to not rehash the
past. I claim today that my latter shall
be greater than my past & that you continue to bless me beyond what my mind
can fathom. I claim victory over the
loneliness that my singleness sometimes causes me. And Lord, I pray that my future husband
doesn't feel lonely waiting for me. Prepare
me Lord so that I might be ready to be his bride soon. Through tear stained eyes I profess my love
for you right now & have faith that you hear my petition & that you
won't return it void. Amen.
