My Reflections of 2015

Last year my godsister gave me the challenge of selecting a word that I would carry out for the year.  I prayed about the word and selected it.  I honestly forgot the word through the year though.  However, I found the word, and reflected over how the word had actually played out in my life during 2015.  The word I chose for 2015 was RENEWAL.  I prayed about renewal of my spirit, renewal of my mind, renewal of my body, renewal of my finances and renewal in my home.  My prayers were answered, but God didn’t work the way I planned for Him to work.

I’d been talking to God about my future husband.  I talked to Him about preparing me to be a wife.  I admittedly was quite consumed with the idea of being a wife and being married.  I felt like I was ready.  I felt like it was time.  In Ephesians 5:22, the Word commands that wives submit unto their husbands.  This was one of those things that I couldn’t see myself doing, yet I wanted to be a wife.  I was used to being in control.  I was used to doing things my way.  So, subconsciously I considered submission as a dirty word.  When God passed out humility, I didn’t quite stand in the line as long as I should have to get my share.  Here’s where the renewing of my spirit comes in.  God allowed changes to happen on my job.  My supervisor ended up getting another position, and senior management decided to bring in another supervisor to take his place.  I wasn’t even considered for a job that I was qualified and capable of doing.  That was my first lesson in humility.  In order for my new supervisor to have an office, I had to give him mine and move from a nice corner office into a cubicle.  At the time, I was the only manager in a cubicle.  That was my second lesson in humility.  God didn’t stop there though.  He also put me in the position of having to train my new supervisor.  That was my third and hardest lesson in humility, and it was also a lesson in patience.  I didn’t always handle it gracefully.  In fact, there were times that God’s Precious Pearl wasn’t “precious” by any stretch of the imagination.  There were times I could have set the whole city of Memphis ablaze with all the hell I had in me.  It wasn’t until I really talked to God and listened for Him that I got that this was meant to humble me.  God humbled me in an arena of life that He knew I wouldn’t quit:  my job.  God renewed my spirit.

I was praying about my husband, and God allowed an ex-boyfriend (my first love actually) to come back into my life.  I’d existed on a 19 year emotional rollercoaster.  For literally half of my life, I existed in a rollercoaster type of love with this man.  So, if he’s back now, surely he’s meant to be my husband.  I thought my prayers had been answered.  I started preparing for my husband.  I was praying for him.  I was praying for me.  I was praying for our future marriage.  I even solicited the prayers of friends.  In my mind, I thought I was hearing God tell me that he was my future husband.  God was sending signs letting me know that he wasn’t, but I ignored them.  I thought I wanted this man to be my husband so badly, and I was so focused on it that I only talked to God about that.  It literally consumed me.  God will protect your heart even when you don’t realize it needs protecting though.  God severed the connection to that man in 2015.  He brought closure to a situation that I thought I needed and wanted, and yet He didn’t leave me broken.  I have no ill will towards him, but if we never speak again, I will be okay.  My life has and will go on without him in it.  He’s okay, and I’m okay.  God renewed my mind and my heart (body).

Throughout my life, I’ve admittedly had times that I bought things that I didn’t need.  I’ve cluttered my home with these things.  Sometimes I would buy things and forget that I bought them.  I’ve kept things that I no longer used or needed just for the sake of keeping them.  Toward the end of the year, I sat down and evaluated the bills that I have.  I’ve come up with a way to eliminate some of the debt in my life.  Hopefully at the end of 2016, I will only be paying on my mortgage and my student loan.  While I still have much to eliminate from my home, I also eliminated some of the clutter too.  God is still renewing my finances and my home.

Even though I didn’t remember what my word was, God did.  God doesn’t always answer prayers the way we want Him to.  When I prayed about renewal of spirit, I meant to make my walk closer with Him.  He did that in several ways, but I never thought humbling me in an arena where I was once highly respected would be one of them.  When I asked God to renew my mind, I just wanted a fresh outlook on life.  I didn’t want to be so cynical and bitter and have an unforgiving spirit.  He did that too, but I never thought it would come at the expense of losing a personal connection.  When I prayed about the renewing of my body, I meant I wanted to lose more weight.  I didn’t honestly do anything consistently to make that a reality though.  Here God taught me that faith without works is dead.  When I asked God to renew my finances, I actually wanted more money.  God gave me a vision for making the most of what I currently have.  When I asked God to renew my home, I wanted to be free of clutter and the boundaries that it set for me.  He’s still working with me here because my spirit had to be willing.  I have to actively participate in this renewal. 

I did come up with my word for 2016.  I won’t forget it.  I can’t wait to look back on December 31, 2016 and write about how God moved in my life on the fulfillment of the word…DESTINY.

Prayer

God I want to thank you for allowing us to see a new year.  I pray that you will allow us to turn our dreams into goals, and turn our goals into plans, and turn our plans into actions in 2016.  Give us clarity and focus as we seek to live within your will for our lives.  Let us not be regretful of days gone by.  May the mistakes of our past strengthen our future and prepare us for the days ahead.  Amen.

The ABCs to My 100lb Weight Loss

I actually wrote this on New Year's Eve 3 years ago after losing 100lbs between February and December 2012.  Life happened and I've gained some of that weight back.  Today was a good day to revisit it.  Maybe it might be helpful to one of you as you work to meet your goals for the new year.

A…Accountability

Find someone to be accountable to.  This person can be someone on the journey with you or just someone in your support system .  It must be someone that you trust to keep you on track either because they’re trying to reach the same goal or they’re just super supportive to you reaching your goal.

B…Be honest

The scale can be deceiving at times, but even if the scale isn’t moving, if you’re giving it effort you should see and feel changes.  If you don’t, re-evaluate what you’re doing.

C…Care about you

Care enough about you to put the journey to fit first.   I’ve had to let some things and some people go.  2013 will be more of the same because I’ve got to do what benefits me and my health. Period.

D…Drink

Drink at least 64-128oz of water EVERY DAY.  Limit or avoid sugary, carbonated and alcoholic drinks.  If you must have them, flush them out with twice as much water.

E…Exercise

Losing lbs is great but you need to tone muscle as well. Nuff said.

F…Forget old habits

Train your mind to be focused on the new you.  All the things of the past that hinder you from doing that, forget.

G…Gravitate towards like minded individuals

Just like it’s hard for an alcoholic or drug addict to run in the same circles, foodies have to get with people that share and support and share their goals.

H…Have a splurge meal

One day a week, have a splurge meal.  It’s unrealistic to believe that you’ll give up all your unhealthy foods, but learn to do them in moderation.  You can eat anything you like; portion control and moderation are key though.

I…Independence

Though you need an accountability partner (s), this is YOUR journey.  People can’t lose weight for you or keep you motivated.  That’s internal.  I’ve walked alone, exercised alone, eaten alone…not by force, but by choice…to prove to myself that I can do this.

J…Just do it

Don’t talk about it; be about it.  Talking about losing weight or needing to lose weight does not get rid of pounds.  You gotta do work.  Ask me how I know…

K…Knowledge

Knowledge is power.  Be knowledgeable of what you’re eating.  Read your labels.  Know how your body reacts to certain foods and certain routines.  No two bodies are the same.  What works for me may not work for you and vice versa.  Know your body.

L…Leave the naysayers alone

Not everyone will understand your journey.  “I like the way you are now.”; “You don’t need to lose weight.”; “That’s too much weight to lose.”  Again, this is your body.  Do what makes you happy.

M…Make time

The common excuse that people have in regards to weight loss and exercise is I don’t have time.  It was mine for a LONG time.  Make time to be fit or make time to be sick.  Period.  Point blank.

N…Never compare

Never compare your journey to someone else’s.  Their journey is theirs.  Your journey is yours.  What God has for you is yours.  Don’t focus on what He’s doing for others and wonder why not me.  This is a general life rule actually…

O…Options

Give yourself options.  Lifestyle changes don’t have to be boring.  The days of eating dry salad alone to lose weight are gone.  There are so many things that you can eat and do if you keep your options open and broaden your horizons.  I’m eating things I never thought I liked and doing things I never thought I could do.

P…Pray without ceasing

No discussion needed here.  However, also keep in mind, faith without works is dead.  Again, you gotta do work.

Q…Question

Ask questions about things you’re unsure of.  Changing your lifestyle may require some professional intervention.  No shame in that; just be informed.

R…Remember why you started

Remembering why you started keeps you anchored and focused on your goals.

S…Self Preserve

Every person, place or thing that was with you at the beginning of the journey won’t necessarily be with you at the end.  You’ll shed dead weight, figuratively and literally.

T…Try new things

Before I began this journey, I was convinced that I couldn’t do certain things and didn’t like certain things.  Don’t be afraid to try new things; embrace change.

U…Understand that weight loss takes time

You eat an elephant one bite at a time.  You change your life one day at a time.  You lose weight one pound at a time.  You didn’t lay down one night and wake up overweight.  You won’t lay down one night and wake up fit either.  It’s a process.

V…Visualize

See yourself as who you want to be, not who you were or who you are now.  Set your vision on where you’re going.

W…Watch your changes

Sometimes the hardest part of the weight loss journey is seeing where you were.  Capture your changes by photo, journal or both.

X…Xerox your goals

Write the vision; make it plain.  Put it anywhere you need it to stay focused:  your mirror, your refrigerator, your desk, your car, your wallet, wherever!

Y…Yearn for success

Want to succeed so much that it consumes you, that way thoughts of failure have no way to get in.

Z…Zealous

Stay devoted to your goals.  It won’t be easy; there will be ups and downs, without question.  Stay enthusiastic throughout though because you’re worth the effort!

I’m not by any stretch of the imagination a weight loss expert.  I’m just a regular, overweight person that knows how it is to listen to someone that you think doesn’t understand you because their BMI can actually be calculated.  I’ve been to the doctor and not known my weight because my weight has exceeded the scale.  I’ve been stared at, ridiculed, and/or felt uncomfortable because of my weight more than a few times.  I know what it ‘s like to want to do better but feel like you can’t because walking a block exhausts you.  So, trust me when I say…IF I CAN…YOU CAN!  Here’s to a healthier beginning for us all!!

Love, Carmen

December 31, 2012

Connections

This past week I took a break from social media in order to commune with God.  I disconnected from Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for 7 days in order to get reconnected with God and to hear from Him regarding His purpose for my life.  Sometimes you have to DISCONNECT in order to get CONNECTED.  If I’m honest, I’ve been out of fellowship with God for a little over a month.  My relationship with Him and who He is in my life didn’t change, but my fellowship with Him, my communing with Him, had slacked off some.  I was discouraged because an unfruitful connection, that I desperately wanted to be fruitful, had been broken.  God, however, had a different plan for me and that person.  Our connection to each other was no longer fruitful.  We had gone as far as we needed to go with each other on the road to our individual destinies.  He’s not a bad person; I’m a not a bad person.  We just no longer need each other to fulfill our purposes.  It took me a week off from social media in prayer and communication with God to really accept that.  I knew it, but I didn’t want to accept it as fact because the connection meant something to me, which is why disconnecting is hard.  However, I had to disconnect in order to get to my purpose.

God’s purpose for my life is to influence the lives of other women by sharing common experiences.  He intends for me to use the gift of writing to do it.  I love to write.  As a young girl, I always kept a diary that I wrote in every day.  I kept my secrets there: my crushes, my little sister drives me crazy rants, my I can’t wait to be grown and move away from these people tantrums, my dreams, my disappointments…anything and everything.  I had diaries with locks.  I had diaries that were just journal books.  I had spiral notebooks.  I would just write.  I even considered majoring in journalism when I went to college, but I decided to go with accounting instead thinking I would enjoy it more.  I stopped keeping a diary when I went to college.  My writing in college was reduced to the writing I had to do for papers.  Once I graduated and moved out on my own, I started keeping a journal again for a brief time, but it was short lived as well.  I hadn’t given much thought to writing anymore.  It’s funny how God works though.

A little over a year ago I had a chance encounter with a fellow Memphis Grizzlies fan.  She and a friend of hers had a blog that they were doing as fans of the team.  They were looking to expand their all ladies blog and were looking for contributors.  She asked if I would like to participate.  Let’s recall, I haven’t written in years at this point, except for school work and the occasional financial policy revision at work.  I accepted the invitation, and a fruitful connection with the ladies of All Heart in Hoop City began.  God has me writing again.  He had already deposited in me that influencing the lives of other women was my purpose when He allowed me the opportunity to serve as a Graduate Advisor for younger sorority sisters at a local college.  However, the marriage of the two, my gift of writing and my purpose, didn’t come that easy. 

God had given me the opportunity to write again, but I was only writing about basketball.  He deposited into my spirit that I should start my own blog for women, but I had my own doubts about it.  I don’t have time, I said.  There’s already a gazillion blogs like that, I said.  People may not even read it, I said.  The last excuse was really the driver of my resistance.  I feared doing it because I didn’t think people would read it.  So, I didn’t do it.  All Heart in Hoop City was featured in one of the local newspapers and one of my church members, a blogger and an author, read it and asked me to contribute to her blog, Who’s That Lady.  I did, and she’s become both a mentor and a friend to me.  Another fruitful connection is established. 

Right before my birthday in August, God dropped in my spirit a blog related to my season of singleness.  My intentions were to contribute that blog posting to Who’s That Lady.  I felt a constant urging from God to start my own blog though, and I did.  From that urging, God’s Precious Pearl was born.  One of the journalists that I shadowed while covering Grizzlies games for All Heart in Hoop City read my blog.  He has his own inspirational blog, A Message from God. His blog has a global following of close to 1 million people.  He asked if I, me, Carmen, would like to contribute to his blog.  I didn’t even have to think about it.  I knew it was God.  I accepted, and another fruitful connection was established.

There will come a time that you realize that your connections to some people, places and things will have to be severed.  Sometimes you will experience some heartache, rejection, or disappointment to know that a connection must be severed.  Other times, nothing bad will happen; the situation is just no longer viable for you and/or the other party to thrive.  Your connection to some people, places and things will stop bearing fruit after a while.  You will no longer be of benefit or help to the other party in fulfilling their purpose and vice versa.  Likewise, when God desires to give you a fruitful connection it will seemingly come out of nowhere.  Yet God knew from the day you were born which connections would be fruitful and unfruitful for you.  He will intentionally let you develop unfruitful connections to strengthen you for the purpose He has for your life.  By the same token, He will allow you to make fruitful connections with some of the most unlikely people, and these connections will help to propel you further into a life driven by fulfilling your purpose.

This past week on my social media hiatus I spent some time reading, Destiny by Bishop T.D. Jakes, and it confirmed for me that God is always intentional about the connections that He allows you to have on your road to fulfilling your purpose.  No connection or experience is wasted.  Your unfruitful connections and your fruitful connections will all work together to help you fulfill God’s purpose for your life.  By disconnecting just 7 days, God made it clear to me that the unfruitful connections that He's severed in my life along with the fruitful connections that He’s established for me are all working together to help me reach the destiny that He has for me.  All experiences, good or bad, give you a testimony.  Take some time to think about your connections and how they relate to the fulfillment of God’s purpose for your life.

Prayer

Lord today I thank you for fruitful and unfruitful connections.  Your Word says that ALL things work together for our good.  Thank you for being intentional in our lives.  When we don’t know how to sever unfruitful connections, I pray that you will disconnect us.  When we don’t trust that you’re trying to lead us into a fruitful connection, I pray that you stir up within us.  I thank you for unmerited favor and grace.  Give us a willingness to operate in the purpose that you have for our lives.  Help us to use both our fruitful and unfruitful connections to do your will.  Let no experience go misunderstood or wasted.  I thank and praise you in advance for our walk into destiny, in Jesus name, amen.

Holiday Blues

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”…so says the famous song by Andy Williams anyway.  It’s a time for families and friends to get together.  It’s a time where diets typically fall by the wayside because you get to eat your favorite foods.  The laughter of children fills homes.  Families gather in front of the TV for parades and football and basketball games.  Family from near and far gathers together talking about days of old and making new memories.  It’s hard to believe that this isn’t a joyous time for everyone, yet for many, it isn’t.  The holidays can be tough for many people.  The death of family and friends can be overwhelming for many during this time no matter how long ago the family member or friend died.  I mean, after all, the holidays are typically spent with those you love, so if a family member or friend has died, there is a void, whether they died yesterday, last month, last year, or 20 years ago.  For those that can’t provide the needs, let alone the wants for their family, the holidays can be an overwhelming time as well.  Sometimes pride or the fear of being judged or ridiculed won’t let them accept help; so they suffer in silence.  The holidays can be a lonely time for many even when they’re surrounded by family and friends.

Let’s consider the widow or widower.  You’ve spent years and years together celebrating the holidays, and now your soulmate, your partner in life, your friend and confidante is no longer there.  He’s no longer there to carve the turkey.  He’s no longer there to put the star atop the tree.  He’s no longer there to sip eggnog with as you look at your favorite holiday movies.  The scent of holiday dinner wafting through your home is gone because she’s no longer there.  She’s not there to put out the holiday decorations that you always thought were over the top until she wasn’t there to put them out.  She’s not there to take care of shopping for the kids and wrapping the presents to go under the tree.  Maybe you didn’t even get to grow old together.  You had plans to spend your life with this person, and here you are in the prime of your life and your spouse is gone.  Sure your family and friends are there, but they aren’t there in the still of the night, when there’s nothing and no one there but you and your memories of days gone by or thoughts of dreams that weren't fulfilled.  Even in a crowded room the heart of the widow or widower can be empty and alone during the holidays.

Let’s consider the family that’s experiencing a rough time financially.  Their ends aren’t meeting at all.  They’re working hours, requesting holiday overtime, just so that they can put food on the table for their family.  While many have more food than they have space or people to eat, the family that’s experiencing a rough time has a meager meal.  It doesn’t look anything like those holiday spreads that you see in the movies or on TV; there’s not enough for seconds, let alone the leftovers that so many complain about.  While many are looking at Black Friday ads, they’re trying to figure out how they can get their children one something special so that they don’t have to wake up on Christmas morning to no gifts because society has convinced us that Christmas is all about toys and presents.  Maybe someone invites them over to their home, and they don’t bring much, if anything, because they couldn’t afford it.  People talk about them packing up to-go plates not knowing that they’re going to eat off those for the next few days.  Many are too proud or embarrassed to let you know they need help, so they isolate themselves.  Given how commercialized the holidays have become, it’s easy to see how the family that’s struggling financially can be overwhelmed during the holidays.

Let’s consider the singles that don’t want to be single.  The singles that don’t want to be single are in a different category from the widows and widowers.  See, they don’t even have memories to hold on to.  They have dreams deferred.  They have dreams of having a family to prepare dinner for.  They have dreams of having someone to decorate the tree with.  They have dreams of not arriving at family and friends’ homes alone, yet another year.  They’ve got to listen to that well-meaning family member ask when they’re going to get married or when they’re going to have children or whatever happened to so & so (the person that unbeknownst to this well-meaning family member broke their heart).  They’re praying that they don’t become that old bitter family member that nobody wants to fool with but they’re old and family so someone has to pick them up and bring them to dinner…may as well be the single person that doesn’t want to be single.  I mean, after all, what else do you have to do?  For the single person that doesn’t want to be single holidays can cause you to want to be isolated and alone because it’s just easier sometimes than having to look at couples all hugged up with their cute little kids.

So, how can you fight the holiday blues?  You must look beyond your circumstances.  When you focus on your situation, it could put you in a state of depression or loneliness.  Consider volunteering at a shelter or food bank.  As bad as you feel your situation is, someone has it much worse.  You must remain grateful even when things aren’t as you want them to be.  Your loved ones may be gone but be grateful for your memories.  Your funds may be limited, but be grateful that you have the funds that you do.  Your life may not be what you want it to be, but be grateful for the life that you have.  As crazy as it sounds, someone would gladly trade places with the life that you complain about.  Most importantly, stay prayerful.  Stay connected to the SOURCE in spite of your RESOURCES or lack thereof. 

Lord I pray for those reading this that may be experiencing holiday blues.  I bind up the spirit of loneliness, despair, unworthiness, depression, fear, doubt, or shame.  I speak life into dead situations.  I pray that while all our wants may not be met, that you meet our needs.  I pray that you’re a comforter for those needing comfort.  I pray that you’re a mender of broken hearts for those who still struggle with the death of loved ones or relationships that you didn’t ordain.  Keep us grounded in your Word.  Keep us grounded in your truth.  Give us a mind to be of service to others for in serving others we feel closer to you.  I pray that those reading this that don’t know you have a desire to know you and are surrounded by people who know you and exhibit you in words and deeds.  Amen.  

The Time Is Now

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace (Ecc 3:1-8).

A few days ago one of my classmates passed away.  He wasn't someone that I talked to all the time, but I knew him.  We took classes together.  We were in the band together.  We graduated together.  We talked on social media with each other.  So, while his transition certainly hasn't affected me the way it has those closest to him, it did indeed affect me.  See this isn't some old guy that's lived a long time. This is a guy that wasn't even 40 yet...just like me.  Preparing to join my classmates in saying farewell to a classmate isn't something I should be doing just months after our 20 year class reunion.  It doesn't seem fair; it doesn't seem right. Yet it's our current reality.  It made me cognizant of my own mortality.  It made me reflective. What time is it?

1.  It's Time to Forgive

So often we hold on to grudges and bad feelings because we feel hurt or slighted by people.  It's increasingly difficult if the person is someone that we love.  We waste precious time avoiding these people and harboring bad thoughts.  We live in a position of angst where they're concerned.  Sometimes these people don't even really realize that we have a problem with them.  Unfortunately, this only makes us angrier because how could they not know that they've hurt me?!  Forgiveness isn't for the other person.  Forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness is for your peace.  Forgiveness is for your joy.  The inability to forgive others weighs you down. The inability to forgive others steals your peace.  The inability to forgive others poisons you.  So, today choose to be well.  Choose to live in peace.  Choose to live in joy.  Choose to forgive those who have wronged you.  Forgive them for what they did or didn't do.  Forgive them for what they said or didn't say...to you or about you. Forgive, not for their benefit, but for yours.  

2.  It's Time to Keep in Touch

Unfortunately, technology and social media have ruined so many of us, including me.  We feel as if we're keeping in touch because we like each other's pictures and posts on Instagram and Facebook.  We feel connected because we follow your moves on Twitter.  We trade in phone conversations and face to face interaction for emails and texts and FaceTime. We sit at dinner tables with each other with our electronic devices in our hands responding to likes and comments rather than interacting with each other.  We decide we're going to go to the next family or class reunion.  We'll make that call, tomorrow. We'll catch the next Girls Night Out. We'll be there the next time the fellas get together to watch the game.  We'll go to Homecoming next year.  We'll go to church next week. Commit to keeping in contact with those you love.  Commit to enjoying your day to day interaction with those you love.  Commit to making time to make time for those you love.  Add them to your agenda today.  Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.  In the words of The Winans, "your tomorrow could very well be here today."  Whether we choose to accept it or not, life is filled with swift transition; don't miss the opportunity to keep in contact with those you care about.

3.  It's Time to Do What You've Been Putting Off

Many times we go through life putting things on the back burner.  We treat life and time as if it's infinite.  It's time to start doing what you can, while you can.  If I had more time, I'd do this. If I had more money, I'd do that. Life is meant to be lived.  Life is meant to be enjoyed.  Stop living with the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" attitude. "I wish I had..." isn't the life you want to lead. Sometimes you don't have the means to do the things that you want to do.  Adjust your plans. Stop not doing things because of what people will say.  Stop not doing things because of fear. You don't want to have regrets about anything at any time.  Be you.  Do you.  Live your life to the fullest.  Enjoy each and every moment.  Your last time may be your last time.  So live....today, tomorrow and always.

4.  It's Time to Be Concerned About Your Health

Part of living the best life you can is living the healthiest life that you can.  Now certainly your health can't protect you from everything, but it can fend off a lot of things.  The old "I've gotta die of something, so I may as well die happy" is hogwash.  Incorporate exercise in your life.  Go to a doctor other than when you're sick.  Get your screenings done.  Live a life of prevention rather than reaction.  If you can't be concerned about your health for yourself, be concerned about your health for others.  Don't leave your husband or wife to live out life without you. Don't leave your children to grow up without you.  Don't leave your parents to bury their child. Take the time to take care of your health, physically and mentally.

5.  It's Time to Love

Loving and living complement each other like peanut butter and jelly.  Be THAT person.  Be the person that everyone wonders why you're always smiling.  Be the person that everyone wonders what you have to be so happy about.  Be the person that brightens up a room with your presence alone.  Say you love with your words. Show you love with your actions.  Make that "just checking on you" call to family and friends.  Send that "thinking about you" text.  Drop a card in the mail to your older relatives who don't have social media, email or know how to text. Give that hug to the visitor sitting in front of you at church.  Pay for the car behind you in the drive-thru.  Assist that elderly couple trying to put their groceries in the car.  Love those who love you.  Love those who hate you.  Love those who don't know you.  Spread love to everyone, everywhere you go.  

Mending the Broken Pieces, Part III: Shedding Your Masks

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30, MSG)

I had no intentions of doing this.  I'm once again just being obedient.  Yesterday was October 31.  It's a day set aside once a year to dress up and pretend to be someone or something that you're not.  So many of us are doing this every day though.  We're wearing masks every day with everyone.  We're using them to hide who we are, what we feel, what we're about.  We do it so that we can impress other people.  We do it so we can seem like we're put together even when our world is crumbling around us. We do it so we can cope.  Sometimes the mask is the only thing that gets us through the day.  How many times have you walked past someone in passing and said, "hey, how you doing" while never breaking stride?  We often ask people how they're doing without waiting for a response.  It's polite to ask, but do we really want to know?  Do we really want to know people's truth?  We may say we do. We may actually think we do.  However, in reality, hearing your truth could actually make me have to deal with mine.  Hearing your truth may create a burden for me that's too heavy to bear.  I don't really want to hear your truth because I've gone through so much trouble to hide my own. You've probably noticed that I'm not saying "people."  I'm saying "we" and "us".  I'm included; I wear masks.  If you're honest, you probably have as well at some point.  We wear masks to hide our truth.

The mask protects.  The mask hides.  The mask shields.  The nature of people makes you hide your truth.  People hold your truth against you.  People take advantage of you because of your truth. People ridicule you because of your truth.  People judge you because of your truth.  People shun you because of your truth.  People abandon you because of your truth.  People reject you because of your truth.  So it becomes like second nature to hide your truth.  People hide their truth out of fear.  People hide their truth out of embarrassment.  People hide their truth out of pride.  People hide their truth for protection. People hide their truth for inclusion.  People hide their truth for acceptance.   

We hide our truth from our family.  We hide our truth from our friends.  We hide our truth from our church members.  We hide our truth from our co-workers.  Sometimes we're silly enough to believe that we can hide our truth from God.  Hiding your truth seems so much easier than letting people know about your truth.  We convince ourselves it's just easier to mask our pain rather than deal with the consequences of sharing it.  If you tell them you were molested as child, they'll wonder why you're still allowing that to control you as an adult.  If you tell them you struggle with relationships because you grew up in a dysfunctional household, they tell you to get over it because you're an adult now.  If you tell them you were raped by some you know, they may wonder what you did to entice him.  If you tell them you were abused, they'll wonder why you were stupid to stay in the relationship in the first place. If you're still shaken by the death of a loved one, they'll wonder why you're grieving so long.  If you're leery of relationships after a divorce, they'll tell you to stop living in the past.  If you're holding on to rejection, they'll insist you stop worrying about someone who isn't worried about you.  If you're homosexual, they'll judge you for living out of the will of God.  If you had a relationship with someone who's married, they'll consider you as the homewrecker.  If you admit you have or had a STD, they'll assume you're reckless and nasty or promiscuous.  If you have or had an abortion, they'll judge you for not using birth control.  If you give your baby up for adoption, they'll say you shirked your responsibilities.  If you don't go to church, they'll make you a hell bound heathen.  If you're taking anti-anxiety meds or seeing a therapist, they'll call you crazy.  If you try to commit suicide, they'll call you weak-minded.  You may be wearing one or more of these masks.  I'm wearing one or more of these masks.  We've got to learn to let our masks go though.

Sometimes our truth is ugly.  Sometimes our truth is dirty.  There's no joy in hiding our truth.  There's no peace in hiding our truth.  There's no healing in hiding our truth.  There's no deliverance in hiding our truth.  There's no testimony in hiding our truth.  That which is hidden cannot be helped.  That which is hidden cannot be healed. That which is hidden cannot be set free.  That which is hidden cannot help others.  As difficult as it is, we must learn to shed our masks.  Tell God about your hurts, your pains, your shame.  Seek professional help.  It is okay to shed your masks.  It is okay to not be okay.

Lord I pray for those reading this that are masking some sort of truth.  I pray that they know that you desire to heal all of their broken places.  Our masks not only shield us from pain and scrutiny they also shield us from you.  You cannot help what we hide.  You cannot heal what we conceal.  Release in us the strength to stop allowing our shame and fear control us.  Reveal to us that which is blocking our connection to you.  Mend our broken places.  Remove doubt, shame and fear from us.  Deliver us from the oppression our masks have brought us.  In Jesus' name, amen.

 

  

When Words Hurt

Occasionally, people say things without really thinking about how what they're saying could hurt another person.  It seems simple to them.  Harm typically isn't the goal.  In fact, the only reason it hurts is because of the emotions that the other person has tied to the words.  I want to share a few with you in hopes that maybe you'll consider some things before speaking.

1.  When are you getting married?

This is a loaded question for a few reasons.  Typically, it's aimed at a person that wants to be married. This person is already dealing with their own emotions related to not being married.  Now, you come along and pour salt in the wound by asking...when are you getting married?  One can't marry one's self. One must be united with another person.  So, when you ask that question, it could trigger the fact that this person is no where near marriage; they're not in a relationship or even dating for that matter.  It could be a woman that's in a relationship with a man that she wants to marry her, but he won't commit. It could be a man that's looking for a woman, but he keeps running into Jezebels rather than his Ruth. It could be someone who has absolutely no desire to get married at all.  In either case, it can be hurtful.  I know you don't mean any harm when you ask it.  You just want the best for them.  You're just curious.  You're in love, and you want others to find love too.  Whatever the reason, stop asking it.

2.  Are you ever going to have any children?

This one is touchy too.  People tend to look at you weird, especially if you're a woman, if you're a certain age and you haven't had any children.  Now, it doesn't even matter if you're married.  Married people catch it worse I'm sure because that's the natural progression; you get married, you have a baby.  However, trust me, once you become a certain age, it doesn't even matter to people if you have a husband.  It doesn't even concern them if you have a mate really.  They just want to know when you're going to have a baby.   Your GYN may discuss with you the need to start thinking about having children when you get a certain age.  People will outright tell you you're getting older and ask what you're waiting on.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman that's trying everything she can to get pregnant, but she's been unsuccessful.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's had a miscarriage that you know nothing about.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's carrying the burden of guilt and shame from having an abortion because she wasn't ready to be a mother when she became pregnant, but now she is and the situation still isn't ideal.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who simply doesn't want to have a child, and you make her feel some type of way as if she's less than a woman because what woman doesn't want to be blessed with a child?  Again, you mean no harm when you ask this question.  You want them to be blessed with a little bundle of joy. This too is another question you should stop asking though, especially if the person is single because they're already possibly dealing with the emotions of not being married. 

3.  Exactly how many children do y'all plan on having?

Here's the other end of the when are you going to have children spectrum.  Once you get past three children, people tend to wonder why you keep having babies.  Children are expensive, so why would anyone just keep having baby after baby after baby?  If all of your children are the same sex, and you get pregnant, people ask if you're trying for the opposite sex until you stop.  If you're not married and you have children, people wonder if you're going to keep having babies without getting married.  If you have boys and girls, people wonder if you're trying to be the Duggars or something because why would you keep having babies if you've already got at least one of each?  Here's the thing, if you're not kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, it's really not your concern.  If indeed you are kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, stop.  Maybe that will serve as motivation.  

4.  When are you going to let that go?

Everyone has their own way of dealing with their issues.  We may not agree on the way, but everyone has their own way.  Usually whatever "that" is, the person is having their own internal battle about letting it go.  As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it's hard to disconnect from people, places and things even when they're harmful or no longer serve a meaningful purpose.  Yet, people know that they need to let their "that" go most times.  Asking about it creates additional pressure, guilt and shame.  Don't do that.  Letting "that" go is hard enough.

5.  Can you afford that?

Money is a sensitive issue.  If you have too little of it, people are concerned about it.  If you have too much of it, people are concerned about it.  It's okay not to count every purchase that someone makes. It's okay not to count every vacation they go on.  It's okay not to wonder how people are paying for this or that.  Sometimes people are overextending themselves; that isn't your concern.  Sometimes people have more money than you think they have; that isn't your concern either.  Stop counting people's money for them.  Sometimes having the basic necessities of life put people in a financial bind; that's stressful.  Sometimes keeping up with the Joneses puts people in a financial bind, and while it's unnecessary, it's stressful too.  Count your money; leave other people's money alone, particularly if they're not asking you for any.

Again, I get that most of these questions are asked out of concern for others.  I get that sometimes our love for others makes us overzealous in our concern for them from time to time.  Try thinking about how your words could counteract with someone's emotions though.  I heard once that you should ask yourself four questions before you say anything and if you can't answer yes to all of them, you shouldn't make the statement.  Ask yourself:  is it true, is it kind, is it fair, is it necessary.  None of those five questions above are necessary.  So, let's stop asking them!