The ABCs to My 100lb Weight Loss

I actually wrote this on New Year's Eve 3 years ago after losing 100lbs between February and December 2012.  Life happened and I've gained some of that weight back.  Today was a good day to revisit it.  Maybe it might be helpful to one of you as you work to meet your goals for the new year.

A…Accountability

Find someone to be accountable to.  This person can be someone on the journey with you or just someone in your support system .  It must be someone that you trust to keep you on track either because they’re trying to reach the same goal or they’re just super supportive to you reaching your goal.

B…Be honest

The scale can be deceiving at times, but even if the scale isn’t moving, if you’re giving it effort you should see and feel changes.  If you don’t, re-evaluate what you’re doing.

C…Care about you

Care enough about you to put the journey to fit first.   I’ve had to let some things and some people go.  2013 will be more of the same because I’ve got to do what benefits me and my health. Period.

D…Drink

Drink at least 64-128oz of water EVERY DAY.  Limit or avoid sugary, carbonated and alcoholic drinks.  If you must have them, flush them out with twice as much water.

E…Exercise

Losing lbs is great but you need to tone muscle as well. Nuff said.

F…Forget old habits

Train your mind to be focused on the new you.  All the things of the past that hinder you from doing that, forget.

G…Gravitate towards like minded individuals

Just like it’s hard for an alcoholic or drug addict to run in the same circles, foodies have to get with people that share and support and share their goals.

H…Have a splurge meal

One day a week, have a splurge meal.  It’s unrealistic to believe that you’ll give up all your unhealthy foods, but learn to do them in moderation.  You can eat anything you like; portion control and moderation are key though.

I…Independence

Though you need an accountability partner (s), this is YOUR journey.  People can’t lose weight for you or keep you motivated.  That’s internal.  I’ve walked alone, exercised alone, eaten alone…not by force, but by choice…to prove to myself that I can do this.

J…Just do it

Don’t talk about it; be about it.  Talking about losing weight or needing to lose weight does not get rid of pounds.  You gotta do work.  Ask me how I know…

K…Knowledge

Knowledge is power.  Be knowledgeable of what you’re eating.  Read your labels.  Know how your body reacts to certain foods and certain routines.  No two bodies are the same.  What works for me may not work for you and vice versa.  Know your body.

L…Leave the naysayers alone

Not everyone will understand your journey.  “I like the way you are now.”; “You don’t need to lose weight.”; “That’s too much weight to lose.”  Again, this is your body.  Do what makes you happy.

M…Make time

The common excuse that people have in regards to weight loss and exercise is I don’t have time.  It was mine for a LONG time.  Make time to be fit or make time to be sick.  Period.  Point blank.

N…Never compare

Never compare your journey to someone else’s.  Their journey is theirs.  Your journey is yours.  What God has for you is yours.  Don’t focus on what He’s doing for others and wonder why not me.  This is a general life rule actually…

O…Options

Give yourself options.  Lifestyle changes don’t have to be boring.  The days of eating dry salad alone to lose weight are gone.  There are so many things that you can eat and do if you keep your options open and broaden your horizons.  I’m eating things I never thought I liked and doing things I never thought I could do.

P…Pray without ceasing

No discussion needed here.  However, also keep in mind, faith without works is dead.  Again, you gotta do work.

Q…Question

Ask questions about things you’re unsure of.  Changing your lifestyle may require some professional intervention.  No shame in that; just be informed.

R…Remember why you started

Remembering why you started keeps you anchored and focused on your goals.

S…Self Preserve

Every person, place or thing that was with you at the beginning of the journey won’t necessarily be with you at the end.  You’ll shed dead weight, figuratively and literally.

T…Try new things

Before I began this journey, I was convinced that I couldn’t do certain things and didn’t like certain things.  Don’t be afraid to try new things; embrace change.

U…Understand that weight loss takes time

You eat an elephant one bite at a time.  You change your life one day at a time.  You lose weight one pound at a time.  You didn’t lay down one night and wake up overweight.  You won’t lay down one night and wake up fit either.  It’s a process.

V…Visualize

See yourself as who you want to be, not who you were or who you are now.  Set your vision on where you’re going.

W…Watch your changes

Sometimes the hardest part of the weight loss journey is seeing where you were.  Capture your changes by photo, journal or both.

X…Xerox your goals

Write the vision; make it plain.  Put it anywhere you need it to stay focused:  your mirror, your refrigerator, your desk, your car, your wallet, wherever!

Y…Yearn for success

Want to succeed so much that it consumes you, that way thoughts of failure have no way to get in.

Z…Zealous

Stay devoted to your goals.  It won’t be easy; there will be ups and downs, without question.  Stay enthusiastic throughout though because you’re worth the effort!

I’m not by any stretch of the imagination a weight loss expert.  I’m just a regular, overweight person that knows how it is to listen to someone that you think doesn’t understand you because their BMI can actually be calculated.  I’ve been to the doctor and not known my weight because my weight has exceeded the scale.  I’ve been stared at, ridiculed, and/or felt uncomfortable because of my weight more than a few times.  I know what it ‘s like to want to do better but feel like you can’t because walking a block exhausts you.  So, trust me when I say…IF I CAN…YOU CAN!  Here’s to a healthier beginning for us all!!

Love, Carmen

December 31, 2012

Connections

This past week I took a break from social media in order to commune with God.  I disconnected from Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for 7 days in order to get reconnected with God and to hear from Him regarding His purpose for my life.  Sometimes you have to DISCONNECT in order to get CONNECTED.  If I’m honest, I’ve been out of fellowship with God for a little over a month.  My relationship with Him and who He is in my life didn’t change, but my fellowship with Him, my communing with Him, had slacked off some.  I was discouraged because an unfruitful connection, that I desperately wanted to be fruitful, had been broken.  God, however, had a different plan for me and that person.  Our connection to each other was no longer fruitful.  We had gone as far as we needed to go with each other on the road to our individual destinies.  He’s not a bad person; I’m a not a bad person.  We just no longer need each other to fulfill our purposes.  It took me a week off from social media in prayer and communication with God to really accept that.  I knew it, but I didn’t want to accept it as fact because the connection meant something to me, which is why disconnecting is hard.  However, I had to disconnect in order to get to my purpose.

God’s purpose for my life is to influence the lives of other women by sharing common experiences.  He intends for me to use the gift of writing to do it.  I love to write.  As a young girl, I always kept a diary that I wrote in every day.  I kept my secrets there: my crushes, my little sister drives me crazy rants, my I can’t wait to be grown and move away from these people tantrums, my dreams, my disappointments…anything and everything.  I had diaries with locks.  I had diaries that were just journal books.  I had spiral notebooks.  I would just write.  I even considered majoring in journalism when I went to college, but I decided to go with accounting instead thinking I would enjoy it more.  I stopped keeping a diary when I went to college.  My writing in college was reduced to the writing I had to do for papers.  Once I graduated and moved out on my own, I started keeping a journal again for a brief time, but it was short lived as well.  I hadn’t given much thought to writing anymore.  It’s funny how God works though.

A little over a year ago I had a chance encounter with a fellow Memphis Grizzlies fan.  She and a friend of hers had a blog that they were doing as fans of the team.  They were looking to expand their all ladies blog and were looking for contributors.  She asked if I would like to participate.  Let’s recall, I haven’t written in years at this point, except for school work and the occasional financial policy revision at work.  I accepted the invitation, and a fruitful connection with the ladies of All Heart in Hoop City began.  God has me writing again.  He had already deposited in me that influencing the lives of other women was my purpose when He allowed me the opportunity to serve as a Graduate Advisor for younger sorority sisters at a local college.  However, the marriage of the two, my gift of writing and my purpose, didn’t come that easy. 

God had given me the opportunity to write again, but I was only writing about basketball.  He deposited into my spirit that I should start my own blog for women, but I had my own doubts about it.  I don’t have time, I said.  There’s already a gazillion blogs like that, I said.  People may not even read it, I said.  The last excuse was really the driver of my resistance.  I feared doing it because I didn’t think people would read it.  So, I didn’t do it.  All Heart in Hoop City was featured in one of the local newspapers and one of my church members, a blogger and an author, read it and asked me to contribute to her blog, Who’s That Lady.  I did, and she’s become both a mentor and a friend to me.  Another fruitful connection is established. 

Right before my birthday in August, God dropped in my spirit a blog related to my season of singleness.  My intentions were to contribute that blog posting to Who’s That Lady.  I felt a constant urging from God to start my own blog though, and I did.  From that urging, God’s Precious Pearl was born.  One of the journalists that I shadowed while covering Grizzlies games for All Heart in Hoop City read my blog.  He has his own inspirational blog, A Message from God. His blog has a global following of close to 1 million people.  He asked if I, me, Carmen, would like to contribute to his blog.  I didn’t even have to think about it.  I knew it was God.  I accepted, and another fruitful connection was established.

There will come a time that you realize that your connections to some people, places and things will have to be severed.  Sometimes you will experience some heartache, rejection, or disappointment to know that a connection must be severed.  Other times, nothing bad will happen; the situation is just no longer viable for you and/or the other party to thrive.  Your connection to some people, places and things will stop bearing fruit after a while.  You will no longer be of benefit or help to the other party in fulfilling their purpose and vice versa.  Likewise, when God desires to give you a fruitful connection it will seemingly come out of nowhere.  Yet God knew from the day you were born which connections would be fruitful and unfruitful for you.  He will intentionally let you develop unfruitful connections to strengthen you for the purpose He has for your life.  By the same token, He will allow you to make fruitful connections with some of the most unlikely people, and these connections will help to propel you further into a life driven by fulfilling your purpose.

This past week on my social media hiatus I spent some time reading, Destiny by Bishop T.D. Jakes, and it confirmed for me that God is always intentional about the connections that He allows you to have on your road to fulfilling your purpose.  No connection or experience is wasted.  Your unfruitful connections and your fruitful connections will all work together to help you fulfill God’s purpose for your life.  By disconnecting just 7 days, God made it clear to me that the unfruitful connections that He's severed in my life along with the fruitful connections that He’s established for me are all working together to help me reach the destiny that He has for me.  All experiences, good or bad, give you a testimony.  Take some time to think about your connections and how they relate to the fulfillment of God’s purpose for your life.

Prayer

Lord today I thank you for fruitful and unfruitful connections.  Your Word says that ALL things work together for our good.  Thank you for being intentional in our lives.  When we don’t know how to sever unfruitful connections, I pray that you will disconnect us.  When we don’t trust that you’re trying to lead us into a fruitful connection, I pray that you stir up within us.  I thank you for unmerited favor and grace.  Give us a willingness to operate in the purpose that you have for our lives.  Help us to use both our fruitful and unfruitful connections to do your will.  Let no experience go misunderstood or wasted.  I thank and praise you in advance for our walk into destiny, in Jesus name, amen.

Holiday Blues

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”…so says the famous song by Andy Williams anyway.  It’s a time for families and friends to get together.  It’s a time where diets typically fall by the wayside because you get to eat your favorite foods.  The laughter of children fills homes.  Families gather in front of the TV for parades and football and basketball games.  Family from near and far gathers together talking about days of old and making new memories.  It’s hard to believe that this isn’t a joyous time for everyone, yet for many, it isn’t.  The holidays can be tough for many people.  The death of family and friends can be overwhelming for many during this time no matter how long ago the family member or friend died.  I mean, after all, the holidays are typically spent with those you love, so if a family member or friend has died, there is a void, whether they died yesterday, last month, last year, or 20 years ago.  For those that can’t provide the needs, let alone the wants for their family, the holidays can be an overwhelming time as well.  Sometimes pride or the fear of being judged or ridiculed won’t let them accept help; so they suffer in silence.  The holidays can be a lonely time for many even when they’re surrounded by family and friends.

Let’s consider the widow or widower.  You’ve spent years and years together celebrating the holidays, and now your soulmate, your partner in life, your friend and confidante is no longer there.  He’s no longer there to carve the turkey.  He’s no longer there to put the star atop the tree.  He’s no longer there to sip eggnog with as you look at your favorite holiday movies.  The scent of holiday dinner wafting through your home is gone because she’s no longer there.  She’s not there to put out the holiday decorations that you always thought were over the top until she wasn’t there to put them out.  She’s not there to take care of shopping for the kids and wrapping the presents to go under the tree.  Maybe you didn’t even get to grow old together.  You had plans to spend your life with this person, and here you are in the prime of your life and your spouse is gone.  Sure your family and friends are there, but they aren’t there in the still of the night, when there’s nothing and no one there but you and your memories of days gone by or thoughts of dreams that weren't fulfilled.  Even in a crowded room the heart of the widow or widower can be empty and alone during the holidays.

Let’s consider the family that’s experiencing a rough time financially.  Their ends aren’t meeting at all.  They’re working hours, requesting holiday overtime, just so that they can put food on the table for their family.  While many have more food than they have space or people to eat, the family that’s experiencing a rough time has a meager meal.  It doesn’t look anything like those holiday spreads that you see in the movies or on TV; there’s not enough for seconds, let alone the leftovers that so many complain about.  While many are looking at Black Friday ads, they’re trying to figure out how they can get their children one something special so that they don’t have to wake up on Christmas morning to no gifts because society has convinced us that Christmas is all about toys and presents.  Maybe someone invites them over to their home, and they don’t bring much, if anything, because they couldn’t afford it.  People talk about them packing up to-go plates not knowing that they’re going to eat off those for the next few days.  Many are too proud or embarrassed to let you know they need help, so they isolate themselves.  Given how commercialized the holidays have become, it’s easy to see how the family that’s struggling financially can be overwhelmed during the holidays.

Let’s consider the singles that don’t want to be single.  The singles that don’t want to be single are in a different category from the widows and widowers.  See, they don’t even have memories to hold on to.  They have dreams deferred.  They have dreams of having a family to prepare dinner for.  They have dreams of having someone to decorate the tree with.  They have dreams of not arriving at family and friends’ homes alone, yet another year.  They’ve got to listen to that well-meaning family member ask when they’re going to get married or when they’re going to have children or whatever happened to so & so (the person that unbeknownst to this well-meaning family member broke their heart).  They’re praying that they don’t become that old bitter family member that nobody wants to fool with but they’re old and family so someone has to pick them up and bring them to dinner…may as well be the single person that doesn’t want to be single.  I mean, after all, what else do you have to do?  For the single person that doesn’t want to be single holidays can cause you to want to be isolated and alone because it’s just easier sometimes than having to look at couples all hugged up with their cute little kids.

So, how can you fight the holiday blues?  You must look beyond your circumstances.  When you focus on your situation, it could put you in a state of depression or loneliness.  Consider volunteering at a shelter or food bank.  As bad as you feel your situation is, someone has it much worse.  You must remain grateful even when things aren’t as you want them to be.  Your loved ones may be gone but be grateful for your memories.  Your funds may be limited, but be grateful that you have the funds that you do.  Your life may not be what you want it to be, but be grateful for the life that you have.  As crazy as it sounds, someone would gladly trade places with the life that you complain about.  Most importantly, stay prayerful.  Stay connected to the SOURCE in spite of your RESOURCES or lack thereof. 

Lord I pray for those reading this that may be experiencing holiday blues.  I bind up the spirit of loneliness, despair, unworthiness, depression, fear, doubt, or shame.  I speak life into dead situations.  I pray that while all our wants may not be met, that you meet our needs.  I pray that you’re a comforter for those needing comfort.  I pray that you’re a mender of broken hearts for those who still struggle with the death of loved ones or relationships that you didn’t ordain.  Keep us grounded in your Word.  Keep us grounded in your truth.  Give us a mind to be of service to others for in serving others we feel closer to you.  I pray that those reading this that don’t know you have a desire to know you and are surrounded by people who know you and exhibit you in words and deeds.  Amen.  

The Time Is Now

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace (Ecc 3:1-8).

A few days ago one of my classmates passed away.  He wasn't someone that I talked to all the time, but I knew him.  We took classes together.  We were in the band together.  We graduated together.  We talked on social media with each other.  So, while his transition certainly hasn't affected me the way it has those closest to him, it did indeed affect me.  See this isn't some old guy that's lived a long time. This is a guy that wasn't even 40 yet...just like me.  Preparing to join my classmates in saying farewell to a classmate isn't something I should be doing just months after our 20 year class reunion.  It doesn't seem fair; it doesn't seem right. Yet it's our current reality.  It made me cognizant of my own mortality.  It made me reflective. What time is it?

1.  It's Time to Forgive

So often we hold on to grudges and bad feelings because we feel hurt or slighted by people.  It's increasingly difficult if the person is someone that we love.  We waste precious time avoiding these people and harboring bad thoughts.  We live in a position of angst where they're concerned.  Sometimes these people don't even really realize that we have a problem with them.  Unfortunately, this only makes us angrier because how could they not know that they've hurt me?!  Forgiveness isn't for the other person.  Forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness is for your peace.  Forgiveness is for your joy.  The inability to forgive others weighs you down. The inability to forgive others steals your peace.  The inability to forgive others poisons you.  So, today choose to be well.  Choose to live in peace.  Choose to live in joy.  Choose to forgive those who have wronged you.  Forgive them for what they did or didn't do.  Forgive them for what they said or didn't say...to you or about you. Forgive, not for their benefit, but for yours.  

2.  It's Time to Keep in Touch

Unfortunately, technology and social media have ruined so many of us, including me.  We feel as if we're keeping in touch because we like each other's pictures and posts on Instagram and Facebook.  We feel connected because we follow your moves on Twitter.  We trade in phone conversations and face to face interaction for emails and texts and FaceTime. We sit at dinner tables with each other with our electronic devices in our hands responding to likes and comments rather than interacting with each other.  We decide we're going to go to the next family or class reunion.  We'll make that call, tomorrow. We'll catch the next Girls Night Out. We'll be there the next time the fellas get together to watch the game.  We'll go to Homecoming next year.  We'll go to church next week. Commit to keeping in contact with those you love.  Commit to enjoying your day to day interaction with those you love.  Commit to making time to make time for those you love.  Add them to your agenda today.  Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.  In the words of The Winans, "your tomorrow could very well be here today."  Whether we choose to accept it or not, life is filled with swift transition; don't miss the opportunity to keep in contact with those you care about.

3.  It's Time to Do What You've Been Putting Off

Many times we go through life putting things on the back burner.  We treat life and time as if it's infinite.  It's time to start doing what you can, while you can.  If I had more time, I'd do this. If I had more money, I'd do that. Life is meant to be lived.  Life is meant to be enjoyed.  Stop living with the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" attitude. "I wish I had..." isn't the life you want to lead. Sometimes you don't have the means to do the things that you want to do.  Adjust your plans. Stop not doing things because of what people will say.  Stop not doing things because of fear. You don't want to have regrets about anything at any time.  Be you.  Do you.  Live your life to the fullest.  Enjoy each and every moment.  Your last time may be your last time.  So live....today, tomorrow and always.

4.  It's Time to Be Concerned About Your Health

Part of living the best life you can is living the healthiest life that you can.  Now certainly your health can't protect you from everything, but it can fend off a lot of things.  The old "I've gotta die of something, so I may as well die happy" is hogwash.  Incorporate exercise in your life.  Go to a doctor other than when you're sick.  Get your screenings done.  Live a life of prevention rather than reaction.  If you can't be concerned about your health for yourself, be concerned about your health for others.  Don't leave your husband or wife to live out life without you. Don't leave your children to grow up without you.  Don't leave your parents to bury their child. Take the time to take care of your health, physically and mentally.

5.  It's Time to Love

Loving and living complement each other like peanut butter and jelly.  Be THAT person.  Be the person that everyone wonders why you're always smiling.  Be the person that everyone wonders what you have to be so happy about.  Be the person that brightens up a room with your presence alone.  Say you love with your words. Show you love with your actions.  Make that "just checking on you" call to family and friends.  Send that "thinking about you" text.  Drop a card in the mail to your older relatives who don't have social media, email or know how to text. Give that hug to the visitor sitting in front of you at church.  Pay for the car behind you in the drive-thru.  Assist that elderly couple trying to put their groceries in the car.  Love those who love you.  Love those who hate you.  Love those who don't know you.  Spread love to everyone, everywhere you go.  

Mending the Broken Pieces, Part III: Shedding Your Masks

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30, MSG)

I had no intentions of doing this.  I'm once again just being obedient.  Yesterday was October 31.  It's a day set aside once a year to dress up and pretend to be someone or something that you're not.  So many of us are doing this every day though.  We're wearing masks every day with everyone.  We're using them to hide who we are, what we feel, what we're about.  We do it so that we can impress other people.  We do it so we can seem like we're put together even when our world is crumbling around us. We do it so we can cope.  Sometimes the mask is the only thing that gets us through the day.  How many times have you walked past someone in passing and said, "hey, how you doing" while never breaking stride?  We often ask people how they're doing without waiting for a response.  It's polite to ask, but do we really want to know?  Do we really want to know people's truth?  We may say we do. We may actually think we do.  However, in reality, hearing your truth could actually make me have to deal with mine.  Hearing your truth may create a burden for me that's too heavy to bear.  I don't really want to hear your truth because I've gone through so much trouble to hide my own. You've probably noticed that I'm not saying "people."  I'm saying "we" and "us".  I'm included; I wear masks.  If you're honest, you probably have as well at some point.  We wear masks to hide our truth.

The mask protects.  The mask hides.  The mask shields.  The nature of people makes you hide your truth.  People hold your truth against you.  People take advantage of you because of your truth. People ridicule you because of your truth.  People judge you because of your truth.  People shun you because of your truth.  People abandon you because of your truth.  People reject you because of your truth.  So it becomes like second nature to hide your truth.  People hide their truth out of fear.  People hide their truth out of embarrassment.  People hide their truth out of pride.  People hide their truth for protection. People hide their truth for inclusion.  People hide their truth for acceptance.   

We hide our truth from our family.  We hide our truth from our friends.  We hide our truth from our church members.  We hide our truth from our co-workers.  Sometimes we're silly enough to believe that we can hide our truth from God.  Hiding your truth seems so much easier than letting people know about your truth.  We convince ourselves it's just easier to mask our pain rather than deal with the consequences of sharing it.  If you tell them you were molested as child, they'll wonder why you're still allowing that to control you as an adult.  If you tell them you struggle with relationships because you grew up in a dysfunctional household, they tell you to get over it because you're an adult now.  If you tell them you were raped by some you know, they may wonder what you did to entice him.  If you tell them you were abused, they'll wonder why you were stupid to stay in the relationship in the first place. If you're still shaken by the death of a loved one, they'll wonder why you're grieving so long.  If you're leery of relationships after a divorce, they'll tell you to stop living in the past.  If you're holding on to rejection, they'll insist you stop worrying about someone who isn't worried about you.  If you're homosexual, they'll judge you for living out of the will of God.  If you had a relationship with someone who's married, they'll consider you as the homewrecker.  If you admit you have or had a STD, they'll assume you're reckless and nasty or promiscuous.  If you have or had an abortion, they'll judge you for not using birth control.  If you give your baby up for adoption, they'll say you shirked your responsibilities.  If you don't go to church, they'll make you a hell bound heathen.  If you're taking anti-anxiety meds or seeing a therapist, they'll call you crazy.  If you try to commit suicide, they'll call you weak-minded.  You may be wearing one or more of these masks.  I'm wearing one or more of these masks.  We've got to learn to let our masks go though.

Sometimes our truth is ugly.  Sometimes our truth is dirty.  There's no joy in hiding our truth.  There's no peace in hiding our truth.  There's no healing in hiding our truth.  There's no deliverance in hiding our truth.  There's no testimony in hiding our truth.  That which is hidden cannot be helped.  That which is hidden cannot be healed. That which is hidden cannot be set free.  That which is hidden cannot help others.  As difficult as it is, we must learn to shed our masks.  Tell God about your hurts, your pains, your shame.  Seek professional help.  It is okay to shed your masks.  It is okay to not be okay.

Lord I pray for those reading this that are masking some sort of truth.  I pray that they know that you desire to heal all of their broken places.  Our masks not only shield us from pain and scrutiny they also shield us from you.  You cannot help what we hide.  You cannot heal what we conceal.  Release in us the strength to stop allowing our shame and fear control us.  Reveal to us that which is blocking our connection to you.  Mend our broken places.  Remove doubt, shame and fear from us.  Deliver us from the oppression our masks have brought us.  In Jesus' name, amen.

 

  

When Words Hurt

Occasionally, people say things without really thinking about how what they're saying could hurt another person.  It seems simple to them.  Harm typically isn't the goal.  In fact, the only reason it hurts is because of the emotions that the other person has tied to the words.  I want to share a few with you in hopes that maybe you'll consider some things before speaking.

1.  When are you getting married?

This is a loaded question for a few reasons.  Typically, it's aimed at a person that wants to be married. This person is already dealing with their own emotions related to not being married.  Now, you come along and pour salt in the wound by asking...when are you getting married?  One can't marry one's self. One must be united with another person.  So, when you ask that question, it could trigger the fact that this person is no where near marriage; they're not in a relationship or even dating for that matter.  It could be a woman that's in a relationship with a man that she wants to marry her, but he won't commit. It could be a man that's looking for a woman, but he keeps running into Jezebels rather than his Ruth. It could be someone who has absolutely no desire to get married at all.  In either case, it can be hurtful.  I know you don't mean any harm when you ask it.  You just want the best for them.  You're just curious.  You're in love, and you want others to find love too.  Whatever the reason, stop asking it.

2.  Are you ever going to have any children?

This one is touchy too.  People tend to look at you weird, especially if you're a woman, if you're a certain age and you haven't had any children.  Now, it doesn't even matter if you're married.  Married people catch it worse I'm sure because that's the natural progression; you get married, you have a baby.  However, trust me, once you become a certain age, it doesn't even matter to people if you have a husband.  It doesn't even concern them if you have a mate really.  They just want to know when you're going to have a baby.   Your GYN may discuss with you the need to start thinking about having children when you get a certain age.  People will outright tell you you're getting older and ask what you're waiting on.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman that's trying everything she can to get pregnant, but she's been unsuccessful.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's had a miscarriage that you know nothing about.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's carrying the burden of guilt and shame from having an abortion because she wasn't ready to be a mother when she became pregnant, but now she is and the situation still isn't ideal.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who simply doesn't want to have a child, and you make her feel some type of way as if she's less than a woman because what woman doesn't want to be blessed with a child?  Again, you mean no harm when you ask this question.  You want them to be blessed with a little bundle of joy. This too is another question you should stop asking though, especially if the person is single because they're already possibly dealing with the emotions of not being married. 

3.  Exactly how many children do y'all plan on having?

Here's the other end of the when are you going to have children spectrum.  Once you get past three children, people tend to wonder why you keep having babies.  Children are expensive, so why would anyone just keep having baby after baby after baby?  If all of your children are the same sex, and you get pregnant, people ask if you're trying for the opposite sex until you stop.  If you're not married and you have children, people wonder if you're going to keep having babies without getting married.  If you have boys and girls, people wonder if you're trying to be the Duggars or something because why would you keep having babies if you've already got at least one of each?  Here's the thing, if you're not kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, it's really not your concern.  If indeed you are kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, stop.  Maybe that will serve as motivation.  

4.  When are you going to let that go?

Everyone has their own way of dealing with their issues.  We may not agree on the way, but everyone has their own way.  Usually whatever "that" is, the person is having their own internal battle about letting it go.  As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it's hard to disconnect from people, places and things even when they're harmful or no longer serve a meaningful purpose.  Yet, people know that they need to let their "that" go most times.  Asking about it creates additional pressure, guilt and shame.  Don't do that.  Letting "that" go is hard enough.

5.  Can you afford that?

Money is a sensitive issue.  If you have too little of it, people are concerned about it.  If you have too much of it, people are concerned about it.  It's okay not to count every purchase that someone makes. It's okay not to count every vacation they go on.  It's okay not to wonder how people are paying for this or that.  Sometimes people are overextending themselves; that isn't your concern.  Sometimes people have more money than you think they have; that isn't your concern either.  Stop counting people's money for them.  Sometimes having the basic necessities of life put people in a financial bind; that's stressful.  Sometimes keeping up with the Joneses puts people in a financial bind, and while it's unnecessary, it's stressful too.  Count your money; leave other people's money alone, particularly if they're not asking you for any.

Again, I get that most of these questions are asked out of concern for others.  I get that sometimes our love for others makes us overzealous in our concern for them from time to time.  Try thinking about how your words could counteract with someone's emotions though.  I heard once that you should ask yourself four questions before you say anything and if you can't answer yes to all of them, you shouldn't make the statement.  Ask yourself:  is it true, is it kind, is it fair, is it necessary.  None of those five questions above are necessary.  So, let's stop asking them!

Don't Look Back

For the past month or so I've studied a different woman in the bible.  This past week I studied the story of Lot's wife.  Her story teaches a very important lesson:  don't look back.  It certainly wasn't my first encounter with this story.  Like many of you, I've heard this story many times.  I've always wondered why she was simply known as "Lot's wife", as if she didn't have her own name, her own identity, her own sense of purpose.  This week though I took the time to realize that would the lesson that her story teaches be any different if she had her own name, if she was known by something other than "Lot's wife"?  Simply put, no, it wouldn't.  

For those that may be unfamiliar or need a refresher with the story, it can be found in Genesis 18 and 19.  Lot and his wife opened up their home to strangers that turned out to be angels.  While visiting, men in the town attempted to overtake Lot's home to get to the strangers.  Lot, a gracious host, protected his guests from the men.  Unbeknownst to Lot, the angels came to save him and his family from the destruction that would occur in the sinful city of Sodom.  Lot was instructed to take his wife, his daughters and his son-in-laws and flee Sodom.  Immediate destruction was set to take place.  Lot was given another set of instructions before his departure from the sin filled city:  flee, don't stop, don't look back.

Now, in my mind, one would think that if you're being told that the sin filled city that you know you're living in is going to be destroyed and that everyone and everything that's left behind will be destroyed with it, you'd be grateful for this solid heads-up.  They were given clear, concise and simple instructions.  Flee.  Don't stop.  Don't look back.  Nothing is hard to understand or comprehend there. Yet, Lot's son-in-laws didn't make the trip, and Lot's wife looked back.  I put my "robe of judgment" on and concluded that the son-in-laws got what they deserved for not fleeing (certainly no one made me judge or jury).  Lot told them the city would be destroyed, but they didn't believe him.  So, no better for 'em.  Hmmph.  However, with the wife, nobody said what would happen if you looked back or stopped. So, maybe I could see her getting caught up.  I mean, as somebody that likes to know what's going on, I can see getting caught up in looking back.  I mean, after all, she fled.  She was just curious and looked back.  She got it half right.  I actually wholeheartedly believe she intended to keep going; she just wanted to take that final look back.  But why?

I could identify with Lot's wife.  If you're honest, you likely can identify with her too.  What is your Sodom?  What has God told you to flee from?  Maybe He's told you to flee from a bad relationship. Maybe He's told you to flee from a job or career that no longer fulfills you.  Maybe He's told you to flee from your comfort zone.  Maybe He's told you to flee from your current lifestyle.  Maybe He's told you to flee from the mistakes of your past that have you bound.  Maybe He's simply told you to flee from home like he did Lot and his family.  But, you've got other stipulations:  don't stop and don't look back. Curiosity makes you look back.  Fear of leaving the familiar, no matter how bad it is, makes you look back.  Fear of moving on, even when you know what's ahead isn't likely as bad as what's behind, makes you look back.  I get it.  I get looking back.  However, there's a story to be learned from Lot's wife.  She doesn't need a name.  Giving her a name could actually take from your ability to identify with her.  If you're unable to identify with her, you may not be able to see the dangers of stopping and looking back at the situations that you've been called out of.  Lot's wife was turned to salt right at the point she looked back.  She got stuck at the point that she looked back.  She didn't get to move on to something better because she got caught up in looking back at what once was.  She didn't get to move on to the promise because she needed a last glimpse of the familiar.  Sadly, so do many of us.  Men, women, boys and girls can all learn from Lot's wife.  When you're called out of your Sodom, flee, don't stop, don't look back!

Lord I pray that you prepare a promise for each of us.  I pray that you prepare each of us for the promise.  I pray that when the time is right, that you call us forth to that promise.  Let us have the faith to trust that what's ahead is better than what's behind.  Let us have the faith to trust the plan that you have for us, even when we don't know what it is.  You plan is always to prosper and not harm us; your plan is to give us hope and a future.  Give us a sense of peace when you get ready to move us. Remove anxieties, fears, doubts and curiosities that might make us look back and miss what you have for us.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Mending Your Broken Pieces, Part II

Psalm 147:3

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

What has you broken?  This isn't always easy to answer.  However, if you want to be mended, you've got to determine and admit what has you broken.  I'm not certain why God has chosen me to share my brokenness with you, but I'm going to walk in obedience.  If I'm honest, I didn't want to do this particular piece.  I was fine with Mending Your Broken Pieces, Part I.  Part I was general.  Part I was basic.  Part I applied to anyone.  Part I was an "insert your name here" blog.  Mending Your Broken Pieces, Part II is personal though.  Part II is MY story.  Part II is me allowing someone to see me and be blessed.  Part II also leaves the door open for me to be judged, to be ridiculed, to be embarrassed, and to be vulnerable.  The good part about it though...it allows God to mend me a little bit more.  What has you broken?  There are two things that I've never been able to get quite right:  my weight and my relationships with men.  Both have led to handicaps and dysfunctions in my life.

My Weight

If I could use one word to describe my weight, it would be roller-coaster.  I've been overweight, really obese, most of my life.  I am an emotional eater.  Big spikes in my weight have normally been triggered by something happening in my life:  death of a loved one, break-up with a boyfriend, stress.  Likewise, big dips in my weight have normally been triggered by something happening in my life:  fear of being sick or fear of dying young.  I've been uncomfortable in the skin I'm in for as long as I can remember. So, adding weight to it wasn't really a big deal.  

I've never felt like your typical "pretty girl".  I've seen some very awkward phases of life, and my weight has been right there through the awkwardness.  Growing up "fat" didn't equate to cute.  You had a select few "pretty plus" girls that were considered popular and cute, but I didn't quite make that list.  In fact, I wasn't "cute for a fat girl" until I got to college.  By the time I made it to college, my self-esteem wasn't all that great, so you can imagine that it was pretty cool having guys want to talk to me after going years in junior high and high school as the nerdy, chubby girl in thick glasses.  Now, let's be clear, I had friends and my friends and family told me I was pretty, but that's what friends and family are supposed to say, duh.

Food for me has been a source of comfort.  It's been like a friend almost.  When I'm stressed, I reach for food.  When I'm sad, I reach for food.  When I'm heartbroken, I reach for food.  I really never took the time to think about the issues that I had with food until 2012.  In 2012, I was close to 450 pounds. Now, that wasn't the first time that I lost a considerable amount of weight; it was just the first time that I actually dealt with why I was heavy.  It was the first time that I took the time to admit that I was heavy because I'd made food a friend and a comforter.  I was filling my empty emotional spaces with food. Food was my prescription for loneliness.  Food was my prescription for a broken heart.  Food was my prescription for stress.  Food was my prescription for despair.  Food was my prescription for inadequacy.  Food was my prescription for ineptness.  Yet the side effect of that prescription, obesity, was a factor that contributed to all those empty emotional spaces.  

This place is still broken, unfortunately.  While I'm not 450 pounds anymore, I'm not exactly the 315 pounds that I got down to in 2013 either; nor am I the 230 pounds that I wanted to be by 2014.  I struggle with this weight thing constantly.  It's an every day battle.  Admitting it is the first step to being mended though.  Journaling has helped me a lot with it.  I'm learning to seek God instead of food.  

My Relationships with Men

So, I've already painted a picture of how I viewed myself as a little girl.  Certainly, that's a recipe for disaster with men.  When I was younger, boys didn't like me.  I was awkward.  I looked older than most girls my age because of my body development and size.  I kind of grew into fat because my body was for lack of a better word, stacked.  I had a body at 10; I just had acne and thick glasses to go along with it.  Again, as a young girl, I never really felt pretty.  Sometimes as a grown woman I don't feel pretty, but that's what my brokenness has done for me.  

When guys finally did start to like me in junior high and high school, it's as if they were ashamed of it.  I had tons of "phone boyfriends".  Your phone boyfriend is the boyfriend that you talk to on the phone all the time, but no one knows you all talk, and you barely even speak in public.  We'd talk all the time over the phone, but I wasn't the girl that guys openly admitted to liking in public.  That's dysfunctional for a teenager, and even more so for an adult.  

I didn't get my first real boyfriend that people knew about until I went to college.  Every boyfriend that I've had (or every guy I've had a relationship or "situationship" with) has either cheated on me or cheated with me.  I've never had a romantic relationship with a man that was solely mine.  Never.  Not once in 38 years of life have I had a romantic relationship where the only people in the relationship were me and that person for the duration of the relationship.  Never.  There was always another woman whether it was at the beginning, in the middle, at the end or throughout.  Always.  Every man that I've ever had a romantic relationship with has lied to me or has lied to someone else to be with me.  All of them.  

There came a time that I had to put on my big girl panties and evaluate all of these relationships and determine what they had in common:  ME.  I was the common denominator.  So, what is it about me that attracts these kind of relationships?  The answer is simple:  my brokenness.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be liked.  I want to be loved.  I want to be found attractive.  These relationships helped to cover the sting that rejection leaves.  These relationships helped to fill the void that loneliness brings.  I took the time to make a list of the dysfunctions that the fear of being rejected or the fear of being lonely have added to my life.  

Rejection and loneliness have caused me to:

Be envious

Emotionally eat

Make poor decisions in an effort to be accepted or desired

Be broken

Feel disconnected from God and loved ones

Feel unwanted

Feel undesirable and unattractive

Distrust men

Be careless and reckless

Feel inadequate

Surround myself with clutter and things

Be unclean literally and figuratively

Overspend

Overwork

Overextend myself

Overly commit to tasks or projects

Moving Beyond My Brokenness

Sharing this has not been easy.  I'm a private and proud person.  Writing this almost makes me feel naked before people.  At the same time, though, it also makes me feel free.  As I walk in transparency and truth, my wounds are being bound.  My broken places are being mended.  A part of my mending is helping to mend others.  A part of my mending is sharing my inadequacies and insecurities in hopes that someone else might be compelled to acknowledge their own.  This openness is me letting God shine through me.  My life is shifting and changing in ways I never imagined.  God is making me actively participate in the blessings He's preparing for me.  I've got my eyes set on a promise; this is a part of the process.  There is always a PROCESS leading to the PROMISE.  What promises are you missing because you're not willing to go through the process to get them?  What blessings are you foregoing because you haven't taken the time to deal with your broken pieces?

Mending the Broken Pieces, Part I

Psalm 147:3

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

The world is full of broken people.  We aren’t all broken the same way.  Our breaks are different.  The causes of our breaks are different.  The effects of our breaks are different.  Broken is broken though.  It’s hard to admit brokenness.  I know.  That's why this is broken into two pieces.  My testimony of brokenness will help someone I'm sure.  However, I've got to build up the nerve to share it.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you open to judgment.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you open for ridicule.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you vulnerable.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you embarrassed.  However, admitting you’re broken is the only way to be mended. 

Life has a way of breaking all of us.  It’s kind of like when a rock hits your windshield.  Sometimes it doesn’t shatter all the way.  It may just leave a little speck.  You’re not going to replace your windshield for a little speck.  You’re going to keep driving with that speck.  Sometimes if it’s small enough, you’ll totally forget about it.  Then something will come along that causes the speck to spread a little.  It’s still not bothering you much; it’s just a little crack.  If you’ve ever had a crack in your windshield though, you know that weather and time will cause that crack to spread a little bit more.  Sometimes it shatters on you, and you have to get it fixed.  Other times, the crack just eventually prevents you from seeing clearly, so you have to get it fixed.  There are some though that will keep driving with the crack.  Our brokenness happens just like that crack in the windshield.  The initial rock hits us, but we don’t do anything about it.  That speck spreads to various aspects of our life over time because we don’t address it.  The pressures of life push on that crack and force it to keep spreading.  People tend to do one of three things with their brokenness:  ignore the crack and keep going through life with it, fix the crack once it starts hindering their lives, or let the crack shatter them to pieces.  

How your brokenness affects you

That one speck has the ability to turn your world completely upside down.  Let’s say you continue to ignore the crack and keep going through life with it.  Ignoring your brokenness is like trying to drink water through a cracked glass.  You can fill the glass with water, but it will never stay full because the water will always seep through that crack.  Likewise, you lose a little bit of your joy and peace the longer you leave your broken places unattended.  You never want to ignore your brokenness. 

Many will fix the crack when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Sometimes it takes a while to get sick and tired of being sick and tired though.  You may go through many failed relationships, addiction, or illness before you realize or accept that your brokenness is hindering your life.  Often times, broken people connect with other broken people.  A broken person can’t complement another broken person.  Your missing puzzle pieces can’t complete each other’s puzzles.  Brokenness makes intimacy (Into Me See) difficult because you can’t open up.  Your brokenness will never allow you to be vulnerable, and vulnerability is essential for openness and intimacy.

For some, the pressures of life will press so hard on their brokenness that they shatter.  This can manifest in mental illness, crimes of passion or self-inflicted pain.  Something that didn’t get addressed in its infancy grows into a full grown cancer that takes over a person’s very being.  The weight of it all becomes so heavy that the person can no longer rationally function.  It’s like shattering a glass.  Long after you think you’ve swept up all the pieces, low and behold, you’ll step on a piece of the shattered glass weeks later.  You certainly never want to shatter.  Identifying your break is imperative.

What caused your break?

Putting yourself in a position to determine what caused your break is sometimes more hurtful than the break itself.  What was the rock that hit your windshield?  The answers for this are varied.  Maybe you were molested or raped.  Maybe you suffered a great loss, such as the death of a close relative.  Perhaps you were abused or witnessed abuse.  Perhaps you come from a single parent home where you had no relationship with your other parent.  Maybe you were bullied.  Most breaks occur in childhood or young adulthood.  Thinking back to the windshield it's not the crack that broke the windshield.  The rock that hit the windshield was the cause of crack.  Weather and time may have made the crack worse, but they aren't the causes of the crack.  What was the rock that broke you?  If admitting you’re broken is the way to be mended, figuring out how you were broken is one of the ways to stay mended.  You have to get to the root cause of your brokenness.  Don’t ever be ashamed of what has you broken.  Your shame is what will keep you broken. 

Moving on

Once you identify what has broken you, you have to make peace with whom or what has broken you.  You want to avoid blame here.  Blame can allow an unforgiving spirit to fester.  You have to forgive others, and you have to forgive yourself.  Without the forgiveness, you will stay broken.  Write down who or what broke you.  Write down how your brokenness has affected various aspects of your life.  You want to clearly identify the handicaps and dysfunctions that your brokenness has brought you.  Write down the game plan for moving beyond your brokenness.  Forgive whoever broke you.  Forgive yourself.  Declare that you are no longer a victim to your brokenness.  Declare victory over your broken pieces.  Nothing about this is easy, but living a broken life isn’t easy either.  Your inability to address your brokenness could be the very thing that’s hindering you from moving beyond where you are to where you're supposed to be.

Prayer

Lord I pray that anyone that is reading this that is broken is able to admit unashamedly what has them broken.  It's not necessary for them to tell anyone but themselves and you.  Let them have a heart and a mind to forgive others as well as themselves.  Don't just let them share this thinking this will certainly help so and so.  Allow them to clearly see their own broken places.  I pray that whatever has them bound is loosed.  I ask that you make them victors and not victims to their brokenness.  I pray for healing and deliverance.  May they know they’re never too damaged for you to fix.  Give them a sense of peace that surpasses their understanding.  Lead them into their destiny as they surrender their broken pieces to you.  In Jesus’ name…amen.