Occasionally, people say things without really thinking about how what they're saying could hurt another person. It seems simple to them. Harm typically isn't the goal. In fact, the only reason it hurts is because of the emotions that the other person has tied to the words. I want to share a few with you in hopes that maybe you'll consider some things before speaking.
1. When are you getting married?
This is a loaded question for a few reasons. Typically, it's aimed at a person that wants to be married. This person is already dealing with their own emotions related to not being married. Now, you come along and pour salt in the wound by asking...when are you getting married? One can't marry one's self. One must be united with another person. So, when you ask that question, it could trigger the fact that this person is no where near marriage; they're not in a relationship or even dating for that matter. It could be a woman that's in a relationship with a man that she wants to marry her, but he won't commit. It could be a man that's looking for a woman, but he keeps running into Jezebels rather than his Ruth. It could be someone who has absolutely no desire to get married at all. In either case, it can be hurtful. I know you don't mean any harm when you ask it. You just want the best for them. You're just curious. You're in love, and you want others to find love too. Whatever the reason, stop asking it.
2. Are you ever going to have any children?
This one is touchy too. People tend to look at you weird, especially if you're a woman, if you're a certain age and you haven't had any children. Now, it doesn't even matter if you're married. Married people catch it worse I'm sure because that's the natural progression; you get married, you have a baby. However, trust me, once you become a certain age, it doesn't even matter to people if you have a husband. It doesn't even concern them if you have a mate really. They just want to know when you're going to have a baby. Your GYN may discuss with you the need to start thinking about having children when you get a certain age. People will outright tell you you're getting older and ask what you're waiting on. Sometimes you ask that question of a woman that's trying everything she can to get pregnant, but she's been unsuccessful. Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's had a miscarriage that you know nothing about. Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's carrying the burden of guilt and shame from having an abortion because she wasn't ready to be a mother when she became pregnant, but now she is and the situation still isn't ideal. Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who simply doesn't want to have a child, and you make her feel some type of way as if she's less than a woman because what woman doesn't want to be blessed with a child? Again, you mean no harm when you ask this question. You want them to be blessed with a little bundle of joy. This too is another question you should stop asking though, especially if the person is single because they're already possibly dealing with the emotions of not being married.
3. Exactly how many children do y'all plan on having?
Here's the other end of the when are you going to have children spectrum. Once you get past three children, people tend to wonder why you keep having babies. Children are expensive, so why would anyone just keep having baby after baby after baby? If all of your children are the same sex, and you get pregnant, people ask if you're trying for the opposite sex until you stop. If you're not married and you have children, people wonder if you're going to keep having babies without getting married. If you have boys and girls, people wonder if you're trying to be the Duggars or something because why would you keep having babies if you've already got at least one of each? Here's the thing, if you're not kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, it's really not your concern. If indeed you are kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, stop. Maybe that will serve as motivation.
4. When are you going to let that go?
Everyone has their own way of dealing with their issues. We may not agree on the way, but everyone has their own way. Usually whatever "that" is, the person is having their own internal battle about letting it go. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it's hard to disconnect from people, places and things even when they're harmful or no longer serve a meaningful purpose. Yet, people know that they need to let their "that" go most times. Asking about it creates additional pressure, guilt and shame. Don't do that. Letting "that" go is hard enough.
5. Can you afford that?
Money is a sensitive issue. If you have too little of it, people are concerned about it. If you have too much of it, people are concerned about it. It's okay not to count every purchase that someone makes. It's okay not to count every vacation they go on. It's okay not to wonder how people are paying for this or that. Sometimes people are overextending themselves; that isn't your concern. Sometimes people have more money than you think they have; that isn't your concern either. Stop counting people's money for them. Sometimes having the basic necessities of life put people in a financial bind; that's stressful. Sometimes keeping up with the Joneses puts people in a financial bind, and while it's unnecessary, it's stressful too. Count your money; leave other people's money alone, particularly if they're not asking you for any.
Again, I get that most of these questions are asked out of concern for others. I get that sometimes our love for others makes us overzealous in our concern for them from time to time. Try thinking about how your words could counteract with someone's emotions though. I heard once that you should ask yourself four questions before you say anything and if you can't answer yes to all of them, you shouldn't make the statement. Ask yourself: is it true, is it kind, is it fair, is it necessary. None of those five questions above are necessary. So, let's stop asking them!
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