When Words Hurt

Occasionally, people say things without really thinking about how what they're saying could hurt another person.  It seems simple to them.  Harm typically isn't the goal.  In fact, the only reason it hurts is because of the emotions that the other person has tied to the words.  I want to share a few with you in hopes that maybe you'll consider some things before speaking.

1.  When are you getting married?

This is a loaded question for a few reasons.  Typically, it's aimed at a person that wants to be married. This person is already dealing with their own emotions related to not being married.  Now, you come along and pour salt in the wound by asking...when are you getting married?  One can't marry one's self. One must be united with another person.  So, when you ask that question, it could trigger the fact that this person is no where near marriage; they're not in a relationship or even dating for that matter.  It could be a woman that's in a relationship with a man that she wants to marry her, but he won't commit. It could be a man that's looking for a woman, but he keeps running into Jezebels rather than his Ruth. It could be someone who has absolutely no desire to get married at all.  In either case, it can be hurtful.  I know you don't mean any harm when you ask it.  You just want the best for them.  You're just curious.  You're in love, and you want others to find love too.  Whatever the reason, stop asking it.

2.  Are you ever going to have any children?

This one is touchy too.  People tend to look at you weird, especially if you're a woman, if you're a certain age and you haven't had any children.  Now, it doesn't even matter if you're married.  Married people catch it worse I'm sure because that's the natural progression; you get married, you have a baby.  However, trust me, once you become a certain age, it doesn't even matter to people if you have a husband.  It doesn't even concern them if you have a mate really.  They just want to know when you're going to have a baby.   Your GYN may discuss with you the need to start thinking about having children when you get a certain age.  People will outright tell you you're getting older and ask what you're waiting on.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman that's trying everything she can to get pregnant, but she's been unsuccessful.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's had a miscarriage that you know nothing about.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who's carrying the burden of guilt and shame from having an abortion because she wasn't ready to be a mother when she became pregnant, but now she is and the situation still isn't ideal.  Sometimes you ask that question of a woman who simply doesn't want to have a child, and you make her feel some type of way as if she's less than a woman because what woman doesn't want to be blessed with a child?  Again, you mean no harm when you ask this question.  You want them to be blessed with a little bundle of joy. This too is another question you should stop asking though, especially if the person is single because they're already possibly dealing with the emotions of not being married. 

3.  Exactly how many children do y'all plan on having?

Here's the other end of the when are you going to have children spectrum.  Once you get past three children, people tend to wonder why you keep having babies.  Children are expensive, so why would anyone just keep having baby after baby after baby?  If all of your children are the same sex, and you get pregnant, people ask if you're trying for the opposite sex until you stop.  If you're not married and you have children, people wonder if you're going to keep having babies without getting married.  If you have boys and girls, people wonder if you're trying to be the Duggars or something because why would you keep having babies if you've already got at least one of each?  Here's the thing, if you're not kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, it's really not your concern.  If indeed you are kicking in on the bills or childcare for these children, stop.  Maybe that will serve as motivation.  

4.  When are you going to let that go?

Everyone has their own way of dealing with their issues.  We may not agree on the way, but everyone has their own way.  Usually whatever "that" is, the person is having their own internal battle about letting it go.  As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it's hard to disconnect from people, places and things even when they're harmful or no longer serve a meaningful purpose.  Yet, people know that they need to let their "that" go most times.  Asking about it creates additional pressure, guilt and shame.  Don't do that.  Letting "that" go is hard enough.

5.  Can you afford that?

Money is a sensitive issue.  If you have too little of it, people are concerned about it.  If you have too much of it, people are concerned about it.  It's okay not to count every purchase that someone makes. It's okay not to count every vacation they go on.  It's okay not to wonder how people are paying for this or that.  Sometimes people are overextending themselves; that isn't your concern.  Sometimes people have more money than you think they have; that isn't your concern either.  Stop counting people's money for them.  Sometimes having the basic necessities of life put people in a financial bind; that's stressful.  Sometimes keeping up with the Joneses puts people in a financial bind, and while it's unnecessary, it's stressful too.  Count your money; leave other people's money alone, particularly if they're not asking you for any.

Again, I get that most of these questions are asked out of concern for others.  I get that sometimes our love for others makes us overzealous in our concern for them from time to time.  Try thinking about how your words could counteract with someone's emotions though.  I heard once that you should ask yourself four questions before you say anything and if you can't answer yes to all of them, you shouldn't make the statement.  Ask yourself:  is it true, is it kind, is it fair, is it necessary.  None of those five questions above are necessary.  So, let's stop asking them!

Don't Look Back

For the past month or so I've studied a different woman in the bible.  This past week I studied the story of Lot's wife.  Her story teaches a very important lesson:  don't look back.  It certainly wasn't my first encounter with this story.  Like many of you, I've heard this story many times.  I've always wondered why she was simply known as "Lot's wife", as if she didn't have her own name, her own identity, her own sense of purpose.  This week though I took the time to realize that would the lesson that her story teaches be any different if she had her own name, if she was known by something other than "Lot's wife"?  Simply put, no, it wouldn't.  

For those that may be unfamiliar or need a refresher with the story, it can be found in Genesis 18 and 19.  Lot and his wife opened up their home to strangers that turned out to be angels.  While visiting, men in the town attempted to overtake Lot's home to get to the strangers.  Lot, a gracious host, protected his guests from the men.  Unbeknownst to Lot, the angels came to save him and his family from the destruction that would occur in the sinful city of Sodom.  Lot was instructed to take his wife, his daughters and his son-in-laws and flee Sodom.  Immediate destruction was set to take place.  Lot was given another set of instructions before his departure from the sin filled city:  flee, don't stop, don't look back.

Now, in my mind, one would think that if you're being told that the sin filled city that you know you're living in is going to be destroyed and that everyone and everything that's left behind will be destroyed with it, you'd be grateful for this solid heads-up.  They were given clear, concise and simple instructions.  Flee.  Don't stop.  Don't look back.  Nothing is hard to understand or comprehend there. Yet, Lot's son-in-laws didn't make the trip, and Lot's wife looked back.  I put my "robe of judgment" on and concluded that the son-in-laws got what they deserved for not fleeing (certainly no one made me judge or jury).  Lot told them the city would be destroyed, but they didn't believe him.  So, no better for 'em.  Hmmph.  However, with the wife, nobody said what would happen if you looked back or stopped. So, maybe I could see her getting caught up.  I mean, as somebody that likes to know what's going on, I can see getting caught up in looking back.  I mean, after all, she fled.  She was just curious and looked back.  She got it half right.  I actually wholeheartedly believe she intended to keep going; she just wanted to take that final look back.  But why?

I could identify with Lot's wife.  If you're honest, you likely can identify with her too.  What is your Sodom?  What has God told you to flee from?  Maybe He's told you to flee from a bad relationship. Maybe He's told you to flee from a job or career that no longer fulfills you.  Maybe He's told you to flee from your comfort zone.  Maybe He's told you to flee from your current lifestyle.  Maybe He's told you to flee from the mistakes of your past that have you bound.  Maybe He's simply told you to flee from home like he did Lot and his family.  But, you've got other stipulations:  don't stop and don't look back. Curiosity makes you look back.  Fear of leaving the familiar, no matter how bad it is, makes you look back.  Fear of moving on, even when you know what's ahead isn't likely as bad as what's behind, makes you look back.  I get it.  I get looking back.  However, there's a story to be learned from Lot's wife.  She doesn't need a name.  Giving her a name could actually take from your ability to identify with her.  If you're unable to identify with her, you may not be able to see the dangers of stopping and looking back at the situations that you've been called out of.  Lot's wife was turned to salt right at the point she looked back.  She got stuck at the point that she looked back.  She didn't get to move on to something better because she got caught up in looking back at what once was.  She didn't get to move on to the promise because she needed a last glimpse of the familiar.  Sadly, so do many of us.  Men, women, boys and girls can all learn from Lot's wife.  When you're called out of your Sodom, flee, don't stop, don't look back!

Lord I pray that you prepare a promise for each of us.  I pray that you prepare each of us for the promise.  I pray that when the time is right, that you call us forth to that promise.  Let us have the faith to trust that what's ahead is better than what's behind.  Let us have the faith to trust the plan that you have for us, even when we don't know what it is.  You plan is always to prosper and not harm us; your plan is to give us hope and a future.  Give us a sense of peace when you get ready to move us. Remove anxieties, fears, doubts and curiosities that might make us look back and miss what you have for us.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Mending Your Broken Pieces, Part II

Psalm 147:3

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

What has you broken?  This isn't always easy to answer.  However, if you want to be mended, you've got to determine and admit what has you broken.  I'm not certain why God has chosen me to share my brokenness with you, but I'm going to walk in obedience.  If I'm honest, I didn't want to do this particular piece.  I was fine with Mending Your Broken Pieces, Part I.  Part I was general.  Part I was basic.  Part I applied to anyone.  Part I was an "insert your name here" blog.  Mending Your Broken Pieces, Part II is personal though.  Part II is MY story.  Part II is me allowing someone to see me and be blessed.  Part II also leaves the door open for me to be judged, to be ridiculed, to be embarrassed, and to be vulnerable.  The good part about it though...it allows God to mend me a little bit more.  What has you broken?  There are two things that I've never been able to get quite right:  my weight and my relationships with men.  Both have led to handicaps and dysfunctions in my life.

My Weight

If I could use one word to describe my weight, it would be roller-coaster.  I've been overweight, really obese, most of my life.  I am an emotional eater.  Big spikes in my weight have normally been triggered by something happening in my life:  death of a loved one, break-up with a boyfriend, stress.  Likewise, big dips in my weight have normally been triggered by something happening in my life:  fear of being sick or fear of dying young.  I've been uncomfortable in the skin I'm in for as long as I can remember. So, adding weight to it wasn't really a big deal.  

I've never felt like your typical "pretty girl".  I've seen some very awkward phases of life, and my weight has been right there through the awkwardness.  Growing up "fat" didn't equate to cute.  You had a select few "pretty plus" girls that were considered popular and cute, but I didn't quite make that list.  In fact, I wasn't "cute for a fat girl" until I got to college.  By the time I made it to college, my self-esteem wasn't all that great, so you can imagine that it was pretty cool having guys want to talk to me after going years in junior high and high school as the nerdy, chubby girl in thick glasses.  Now, let's be clear, I had friends and my friends and family told me I was pretty, but that's what friends and family are supposed to say, duh.

Food for me has been a source of comfort.  It's been like a friend almost.  When I'm stressed, I reach for food.  When I'm sad, I reach for food.  When I'm heartbroken, I reach for food.  I really never took the time to think about the issues that I had with food until 2012.  In 2012, I was close to 450 pounds. Now, that wasn't the first time that I lost a considerable amount of weight; it was just the first time that I actually dealt with why I was heavy.  It was the first time that I took the time to admit that I was heavy because I'd made food a friend and a comforter.  I was filling my empty emotional spaces with food. Food was my prescription for loneliness.  Food was my prescription for a broken heart.  Food was my prescription for stress.  Food was my prescription for despair.  Food was my prescription for inadequacy.  Food was my prescription for ineptness.  Yet the side effect of that prescription, obesity, was a factor that contributed to all those empty emotional spaces.  

This place is still broken, unfortunately.  While I'm not 450 pounds anymore, I'm not exactly the 315 pounds that I got down to in 2013 either; nor am I the 230 pounds that I wanted to be by 2014.  I struggle with this weight thing constantly.  It's an every day battle.  Admitting it is the first step to being mended though.  Journaling has helped me a lot with it.  I'm learning to seek God instead of food.  

My Relationships with Men

So, I've already painted a picture of how I viewed myself as a little girl.  Certainly, that's a recipe for disaster with men.  When I was younger, boys didn't like me.  I was awkward.  I looked older than most girls my age because of my body development and size.  I kind of grew into fat because my body was for lack of a better word, stacked.  I had a body at 10; I just had acne and thick glasses to go along with it.  Again, as a young girl, I never really felt pretty.  Sometimes as a grown woman I don't feel pretty, but that's what my brokenness has done for me.  

When guys finally did start to like me in junior high and high school, it's as if they were ashamed of it.  I had tons of "phone boyfriends".  Your phone boyfriend is the boyfriend that you talk to on the phone all the time, but no one knows you all talk, and you barely even speak in public.  We'd talk all the time over the phone, but I wasn't the girl that guys openly admitted to liking in public.  That's dysfunctional for a teenager, and even more so for an adult.  

I didn't get my first real boyfriend that people knew about until I went to college.  Every boyfriend that I've had (or every guy I've had a relationship or "situationship" with) has either cheated on me or cheated with me.  I've never had a romantic relationship with a man that was solely mine.  Never.  Not once in 38 years of life have I had a romantic relationship where the only people in the relationship were me and that person for the duration of the relationship.  Never.  There was always another woman whether it was at the beginning, in the middle, at the end or throughout.  Always.  Every man that I've ever had a romantic relationship with has lied to me or has lied to someone else to be with me.  All of them.  

There came a time that I had to put on my big girl panties and evaluate all of these relationships and determine what they had in common:  ME.  I was the common denominator.  So, what is it about me that attracts these kind of relationships?  The answer is simple:  my brokenness.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be liked.  I want to be loved.  I want to be found attractive.  These relationships helped to cover the sting that rejection leaves.  These relationships helped to fill the void that loneliness brings.  I took the time to make a list of the dysfunctions that the fear of being rejected or the fear of being lonely have added to my life.  

Rejection and loneliness have caused me to:

Be envious

Emotionally eat

Make poor decisions in an effort to be accepted or desired

Be broken

Feel disconnected from God and loved ones

Feel unwanted

Feel undesirable and unattractive

Distrust men

Be careless and reckless

Feel inadequate

Surround myself with clutter and things

Be unclean literally and figuratively

Overspend

Overwork

Overextend myself

Overly commit to tasks or projects

Moving Beyond My Brokenness

Sharing this has not been easy.  I'm a private and proud person.  Writing this almost makes me feel naked before people.  At the same time, though, it also makes me feel free.  As I walk in transparency and truth, my wounds are being bound.  My broken places are being mended.  A part of my mending is helping to mend others.  A part of my mending is sharing my inadequacies and insecurities in hopes that someone else might be compelled to acknowledge their own.  This openness is me letting God shine through me.  My life is shifting and changing in ways I never imagined.  God is making me actively participate in the blessings He's preparing for me.  I've got my eyes set on a promise; this is a part of the process.  There is always a PROCESS leading to the PROMISE.  What promises are you missing because you're not willing to go through the process to get them?  What blessings are you foregoing because you haven't taken the time to deal with your broken pieces?

Mending the Broken Pieces, Part I

Psalm 147:3

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

The world is full of broken people.  We aren’t all broken the same way.  Our breaks are different.  The causes of our breaks are different.  The effects of our breaks are different.  Broken is broken though.  It’s hard to admit brokenness.  I know.  That's why this is broken into two pieces.  My testimony of brokenness will help someone I'm sure.  However, I've got to build up the nerve to share it.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you open to judgment.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you open for ridicule.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you vulnerable.  Admitting you’re broken could leave you embarrassed.  However, admitting you’re broken is the only way to be mended. 

Life has a way of breaking all of us.  It’s kind of like when a rock hits your windshield.  Sometimes it doesn’t shatter all the way.  It may just leave a little speck.  You’re not going to replace your windshield for a little speck.  You’re going to keep driving with that speck.  Sometimes if it’s small enough, you’ll totally forget about it.  Then something will come along that causes the speck to spread a little.  It’s still not bothering you much; it’s just a little crack.  If you’ve ever had a crack in your windshield though, you know that weather and time will cause that crack to spread a little bit more.  Sometimes it shatters on you, and you have to get it fixed.  Other times, the crack just eventually prevents you from seeing clearly, so you have to get it fixed.  There are some though that will keep driving with the crack.  Our brokenness happens just like that crack in the windshield.  The initial rock hits us, but we don’t do anything about it.  That speck spreads to various aspects of our life over time because we don’t address it.  The pressures of life push on that crack and force it to keep spreading.  People tend to do one of three things with their brokenness:  ignore the crack and keep going through life with it, fix the crack once it starts hindering their lives, or let the crack shatter them to pieces.  

How your brokenness affects you

That one speck has the ability to turn your world completely upside down.  Let’s say you continue to ignore the crack and keep going through life with it.  Ignoring your brokenness is like trying to drink water through a cracked glass.  You can fill the glass with water, but it will never stay full because the water will always seep through that crack.  Likewise, you lose a little bit of your joy and peace the longer you leave your broken places unattended.  You never want to ignore your brokenness. 

Many will fix the crack when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Sometimes it takes a while to get sick and tired of being sick and tired though.  You may go through many failed relationships, addiction, or illness before you realize or accept that your brokenness is hindering your life.  Often times, broken people connect with other broken people.  A broken person can’t complement another broken person.  Your missing puzzle pieces can’t complete each other’s puzzles.  Brokenness makes intimacy (Into Me See) difficult because you can’t open up.  Your brokenness will never allow you to be vulnerable, and vulnerability is essential for openness and intimacy.

For some, the pressures of life will press so hard on their brokenness that they shatter.  This can manifest in mental illness, crimes of passion or self-inflicted pain.  Something that didn’t get addressed in its infancy grows into a full grown cancer that takes over a person’s very being.  The weight of it all becomes so heavy that the person can no longer rationally function.  It’s like shattering a glass.  Long after you think you’ve swept up all the pieces, low and behold, you’ll step on a piece of the shattered glass weeks later.  You certainly never want to shatter.  Identifying your break is imperative.

What caused your break?

Putting yourself in a position to determine what caused your break is sometimes more hurtful than the break itself.  What was the rock that hit your windshield?  The answers for this are varied.  Maybe you were molested or raped.  Maybe you suffered a great loss, such as the death of a close relative.  Perhaps you were abused or witnessed abuse.  Perhaps you come from a single parent home where you had no relationship with your other parent.  Maybe you were bullied.  Most breaks occur in childhood or young adulthood.  Thinking back to the windshield it's not the crack that broke the windshield.  The rock that hit the windshield was the cause of crack.  Weather and time may have made the crack worse, but they aren't the causes of the crack.  What was the rock that broke you?  If admitting you’re broken is the way to be mended, figuring out how you were broken is one of the ways to stay mended.  You have to get to the root cause of your brokenness.  Don’t ever be ashamed of what has you broken.  Your shame is what will keep you broken. 

Moving on

Once you identify what has broken you, you have to make peace with whom or what has broken you.  You want to avoid blame here.  Blame can allow an unforgiving spirit to fester.  You have to forgive others, and you have to forgive yourself.  Without the forgiveness, you will stay broken.  Write down who or what broke you.  Write down how your brokenness has affected various aspects of your life.  You want to clearly identify the handicaps and dysfunctions that your brokenness has brought you.  Write down the game plan for moving beyond your brokenness.  Forgive whoever broke you.  Forgive yourself.  Declare that you are no longer a victim to your brokenness.  Declare victory over your broken pieces.  Nothing about this is easy, but living a broken life isn’t easy either.  Your inability to address your brokenness could be the very thing that’s hindering you from moving beyond where you are to where you're supposed to be.

Prayer

Lord I pray that anyone that is reading this that is broken is able to admit unashamedly what has them broken.  It's not necessary for them to tell anyone but themselves and you.  Let them have a heart and a mind to forgive others as well as themselves.  Don't just let them share this thinking this will certainly help so and so.  Allow them to clearly see their own broken places.  I pray that whatever has them bound is loosed.  I ask that you make them victors and not victims to their brokenness.  I pray for healing and deliverance.  May they know they’re never too damaged for you to fix.  Give them a sense of peace that surpasses their understanding.  Lead them into their destiny as they surrender their broken pieces to you.  In Jesus’ name…amen.